The Musings of Dr. Church

Definition Fail

2009-04-20T09:48:00.002-04:00

I have to give props to my man Meadows for turning me onto FAIL Blog. And it in turn introduced me to this doosey...

Seriously! What is rocket science? Maybe if I could answer that I could get a job.

The thing I'm never going to get is a job

2009-03-17T10:38:00.013-04:00

I can't imagine I have any readers left. As many of you probably know, I have spent the last 8 months in unemployment. It's boring, I'm not going to lie. Hence, I have very little to blog about. However, yesterday afternoon I got inspired to create a tribute to all the companies who have turned me down so far. If only they could see what they were missing out on...

hmmm - video isn't working at present.
check it out on Facebook.

Stupid People

2008-10-08T13:14:00.002-04:00

I am only posting this for the hilarious shout out to Cubs fans which comes about halfway through the video.

Click Click....Nothing

2008-10-03T16:21:00.004-04:00

So... I'm in Charlottesville. And my car won't start. Fun times.

The wife had a conference at Wintergreen so she went to that while I bummed around in CVille. Had lunch with some friends, stopped by a few offices, etc. Always nice to see people. Around 2:30 I get the call that the conference is over and I should head to pick up my old lady. I hop in Tracy (that's my car). Put the key in and turn it. Click! Nothing.

Goody gum drops. I probably have a bad starter. Not surprising on a 14 year old car with 172K miles, but still inconvenient. The battery seems to be fine as the lights and stereo still work. But no starting. Sooo I'm hanging out in the old grad school building until the wife arrives and we can pop the clutch. In the meantime, I figured I'd spend the time much as I did during grad school - music - blogging - talking to officemates - and avoiding work.

In other news, my interview yesterday went down pretty well. The word on the street (via my inside source of Columns O'Numbers) is that they're going to make me an offer. Now I have the tough decision to make of whether or not to accept! So many factors. The wife and I have a bit to discuss. OK. Time to go tackle item number one and make my car go!

Prescott Oil Loves the Earth

2008-10-01T14:14:00.005-04:00

For the last few years, my distaste for car commercials has grown. There's much to complain about, but the thing that bugs me the most is when a company tries so hard to sell itself as environmentally friendly and fuel efficient when in fact it is far from it.

The new Hummer - with the highest EPA fuel rating in it's class.

And we're supposed to buy this. Never mind that it's probably the only friggin vehicle in its class! I mean, how is it that every car ever made has won a JD Power & Associates award for being the best whatever of its class?

Anyway - my point is: As gas prices have gone up, buying more efficient cars has begun to make more sense to the average American (as well as the median and mode American). And it's natural to expect car companies to try to convince us that their cars are fuel efficient and that their company cares about the environment. It just can be annoying when it is flatly untrue (as is often the case). Still, I've started to get used to seeing these kinds of ads (in fast motion as my DVR skips past them).

But lately, a new wave of ads has hit the tube. Energy and oil companies trying to promote the same green-friendly image. Again, this is understandable in the wake of the public outcry at record oil company profits. I just hope most of you catch the severe irony of these ads. And if you don't, our man Stephen Colbert will try to drive it home for you... (in a hybrid of course)...

Strike Breakers or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Tie an Onion on my Belt

2008-09-28T22:19:00.003-04:00

So I've noticed a trend with the Google searches that lead folks to stumble onto my blog. 80% of them have searched for "onion belt" or some variation of Grandpa Simpson's classic strike breaking story that goes nowhere from episode 417 of The Simpsons - Last Exit to Springfield. This invariably leads them here. But I want more...more...more internet traffic! So here's my devious plan: provide those passers by with the actual clip of this great orator in action. After watching this - they'll have to like my blog. Right?

...right?

'Maybe' pretty much always means 'No'

2008-09-24T14:58:00.005-04:00

I can't remember if I've mentioned that I'm currently job hunting. :-)

I'm sad to say the status of the search is pretty much the same as it was several weeks ago. My application total is now around 60 or so (positions not companies) - of which, less than 10 have responded in any way, shape, or form (all rejections obviously). Still, last week I took to be an encouraging one. The wife had some recruiting to do on behalf of her company at UVA - our old stomping ground. It was a nice midweek break for the two of us. We got free gas, lodging, and 1/2 of our meals (her half) paid for and got to enjoy some pleasant grad-school reunions. Plus, while she was recruiting, I was attempting to do a little ass-kissing of my own at the career fair. Unfortunately there were only a few companies I had any interest in. And yet, conversations with representatives went quite well. I'm actually quite likeable when I want to be. Especially when I'm trying to trick you into giving me money. But like so many other instances, these leads turned out to be mere smoke and mirrors. Despite my follow up emails the next day, I have not heard from any of the recruiters since the career fair. Ah well. Who wants to work for GE Energy anyway? (Recruiter: Should you have stumbled onto my blog - be assured - I want to work for GE Energy!) Anyway, I do have my first official job interview next week with a company in DC (which I only got because I knew someone on the inside - Columns O'Numbers). I'm excited but also a bit unsure that the position is really what I'm looking for. Decisions decisions. So glad I've got the wife by my side during all this.

In other news, the wife and I are actually presently on yet another mini-vacation sponsored by her generous employer. She is attending a training session in Hampton on roundabouts. She's been enjoying it. And I recommend you all read up - because my wife is going to be a part of the roundabout revolution here in the United States. Look for one in an intersection near you coming soon! As for me, I've been killing my time in a local St. Louis Bread Company (that's Panera to the rest of you). Last night we went and hung out at the "beach" for a while. (I use "s because it was high tide and there was very little beach to speak of. The trail leading to the beach dead ended into the waves.)

I guess that's about it for now. Does anyone else think my blog posts aren't that funny anymore? Wait. Don't answer that.

PS. Yes. My post title is from a Jack Johnson song. I'm sorry. It was on the iPod when I was posting and seemed to fit. Friggin sue me.

Saturday Morning Credit Fraud

2008-09-15T11:55:00.006-04:00

A funny thing happened on my way to an otherwise perfect weekend. Saturday morning I wake up to my cell phone ringing. The call is from some Delaware number I don't recognize, so I don't answer. Ever since I first got my cell phone I've been a screener. Basically, I figure that unless I recognize the number, the person can either call back enough times that I finally answer, or leave a message so I know who they are. This time, no message. I think nothing of it and set about cooking breakfast with the wife. We make some very delicious turkey breakfast stacks (recipe below) and our usual yogurt parfait of vanilla Light'n'Fit, blueberries, and granolla. As we finish the meal, Delaware calls again. I decide to screen a second time. No message.

I finally get to checking my email for the first time that morning and discover who has been calling: Bank of America's Fraud Protection service. Apparently there is some irregular credit card activity with my account. Thirteen separate transactions by PayPal - none of which I conducted. I go through a series of verifications online with BofA and soon my troubles are over. The account has been closed, new cards have been issued, and an afidavit is on its way to me for my signature. Although the charges have not even posted yet, BofA assures me that once they do, I will immediately be reimbursed. Unfortunately they offer no hints as to how it is my credit card information has been stolen or who might have done so. They recommend I call Pay Pay (which I plan to do this afternoon).

All in all, the thing I was most surprised by was how calm the wife and I remained during the process. You would think that such a credit scare would be cause for great concern and worry. But honestly, with BofA catching things so quickly and rectifying the situation, things were fixed before we ever knew there was a problem! Kudos to Bank of America for protecting our monies. Or rather... our ability to buy things using digital monies instead of real ones. Also, congrats on the whole Merrill Lynch thing.

And now, a delicious recipe:

Breakfast Turkey Stack
1 pound ground turkey breast
4 teaspoons sugar-free pancake syrup
1/2 teaspoon dried sage
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1/8 teaspoon ground ginger
1 teaspoon extra-virgin olive oil
1 large beefsteak tomato, cut into 4 thick slices
4 (1-ounce) slices reduced-fat cheddar cheese

Combine turkey, syrup, sage, cayenne, salt, pepper, and ginger in a mixing bowl and mix well. Divide into 4 (1/2-inch-thick) patties. Heat oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat; cook patties until well browned and cooked through, about 4 minutes per side. Remove from heat. Lay tomato slices in a single layer in a baking dish; season with salt and pepper. Top each slice with 1 turkey patty and 1 cheese slice; broil in the oven until cheese is melted, about 2 minutes. Serve hot. (Note: Patties can be individually wrapped and frozer for up to 1 month; just defrost and simply reheat in the oven or microwave!)

To answer your question: No, I don't have a job yet. And yes, I am spending lots of time cooking.

Great bars in RIC: Capital Alehouse

2008-09-09T09:06:00.003-04:00

I decided I would borrow a play from Quantum's book... er... blog... and cover some of the fine dining and drinking establishments here in Richmond. And what better way to start than with the locale that is possibly the greatest beer house in town. The Capital Ale House has three locations, but I've so far only made it to one (Innsbrook). The beer list is exhausting. It features 77 beers on tap, 2 cask conditioned "real" ales, and over 250 bottled beers. Here's the menu for those interested. In addition to it's extensive selection of libations, the atmosphere is generally exactly what you hope to find at an alehouse. Dark. Cool. Brick. Or for those pleasant evenings, an outdoor beer garden area right next to a pond. The best part of the outdoor seating is that the ducks have gotten rather used to being fed fries by the alehouse patrons. They're not too shy and tend to weave in and out of the tables as you dine. Last night I asked one to bring me a Bells Amber Ale, but I guess he didn't hear me because it never came. I can't speak too knowledgeably about the food as we frequent Capital on Monday nights for $1 burger night. You can't beat that. I believe they have other specials during the rest of the week as well. Last night I also decided to make the Capital Ale House my base of operations for this year's Oktoberfest celebrations. How can a man resist advertising like this?...

I wonder if she'll be at Oktoberfest :-) I can't wait to get my complimentary stein. It looks to be a good chance to sample some fine german beers, do a little singing, and maybe even a polka or too. Prost!

PS. Went to see Traitor last night. I enjoyed it. Kept my heart running at a reasonable clip for much of the movie. And even when I predicted the ending, I was still excited to see it unfold. I love me some Don Cheadle.

Let me tell you a story

2008-09-05T18:07:00.003-04:00

about a family I know in western Ohio. Vicram recently lost his job at the manufacturing plant. His wife, Lyleen, has had to pick up extra shifts at work to make ends meet. Meanwhile the two must care for their 7 children. Children with diseases. Their 5 year old daughter, Maxine, was recently diagnosed with an incurable illness. And yet they still find time to attend PTA meetings. If I am elected, I will restore Vicram's job, get Lyleen a raise, obtain corporate sponsorship to supply for their family needs, and heal Maxine's horrible disease.

Why do politicians feel the need to tell these types of stories in their speeches? Every single one of them does it. And every single time I hear such stories, I feel I'm being pandered to. I'm not saying these stories are necessarily fabricated. And I don't mean to suggest that the plight of average Americans is inconsequential. But there's something oddly exploitational or perhaps insincere about relaying such stories on a national stage. These types of stories don't prove to me that a candidate is "in touch" with ordinary people. The real proof that a person genuinely cares about others is in his (or her) deeds, not in his ability to rehash stories from Chicken Soup for the Politician's Soul.

The Summer of Dr. Church continues

2008-09-04T08:41:00.006-04:00

Attention Readers! As you yourself may presently be aware of, my grammar sucks. But that will not hinder my return to the blog'o'dome - or, for my Spanish speaking readers, the casa del blogging. What a summer this has been. Allow me to give you a quick, month-by-month run down.

May: Completed work on dissertation and printed that sucka. Trip to Chicago. Saw Boomshaka's spring show. Paid some kid to go buy me White Castle at 2 in the AM (actually, the Expert paid him, but I helped devour the Crave Case). Gradumamated. Enjoyed libations and went streaking on the lawn at UVA with Fuoco's roommate and my former officemate, JN. Packed up my apartment and moved most of my belongings to my future residence - TinRoof's apartment. Drove Tracy home to BVille for the summer.

June: With my newly minted Ph.D., I took a part time position at a vocational services place. I spent the following 6 weeks attaching company logo faceplates to plastic mounting bezels. The company typically employs physically and mentally disabled people for such jobs but, due to increased demand, took on a few regularly abled part timers for the summer. It was the sweetest irony for someone who just completed a Ph.D. in uselessness. Enjoyed the summer at home. Welcomed a new member into the family as my brother Nodnarb and his wife (mostly his wife) gave birth to baby Kaya Grace (real name). She's basically the greatest thing ever and I miss getting to see her. Hopefully someone will start posting pictures for Uncle Church to see! Hinty hint hint hint.

July: Wedding planning continues. I continue to stress out about it all. Cousin Halbert takes me to a Cubs-Cards game on the 4th of July. On the 5th of July, we enjoy some grand family time and the traditional holiday exhibit of patriotic exothermic reactions accompanied by the emission of photons of varying wavelengths - I mean, fireworks. Finally, the wedding week arrives... arrived.... arrove? So much good times that I will leave it for another post. Post-wedding, the new wife and I head to Jamaica.

August: 10 days at Couples Negril in Negril, Jamaica. Glorious. It was the most relaxed I've been in years. With the dissertation and the wedding planning behind me, I was able to breathe easy for once. That is until we returned home and I remembered that I remain unemployed. A minor detail. And yet August was terribly exciting. TinRoof and I greatly enjoyed settling into our apartment. I have especially enjoyed making use of the kick ass knives we got as wedding gifts. We are enjoying every second of newleywedness. And to cap the month off, we took a trip to that good ol Chi-town to catch Be The Groove's first full length professional production, Embrace The Fire. We spent much good time with the Expert and his wife, visited Millennium Park, caught Aimee Mann at Ravinia, enjoyed some tasty smoked meats, oh, and I was sick the whole weekend. Good times indeed.

Which brings us to...

September: Having slowly recovered from illness, I hold high hopes that this month, I will receive a response regarding at least one of the more than 40 job applications I submitted in August. If not, I shall continue my current plan of attack: Attempt to wake at 6:30 with my wife so I can make her breakfast, job hunt the morning away, shower around 1pm, eat lunch, job hunt some more (maybe a little blogging), cook dinner for beautiful and hard working wife, relax and enjoy evening with said wife.

Ah, real life... sorta.

Goin' to Chicago

2008-05-09T00:18:00.003-04:00

You keep your New York joys
I'm going to Illinois
just as fast as I can

Not much to say this evening (or rather too much) but thought I'd let ya'll know that I'm off early in the mornin' tomorrow to my little Chi-town. Going to spend the week visiting friends (The Expert and his wife, MLE, Sameezy, etc.) and family (my sister Arbusta and her husband Cpt. Smith). The other main events include checking out a Be The Groove performance Monday morning and of course - the impetus for the trip - the Boomshaka spring show Thursday night. Am very excited. After the stress of the dissertation, in conjunction with other exceedingly stressful life events, I am quite looking forward to a vacation. Will be sure to update from the road (figuratively) if anything noteworthy goes down.

It's the best in the mid-west
it's a real darn city full of good folks who come from home
and when I get back, I'll never roam far
from my little Chi-town
well goodbye farewell
I'ma see you later

----------------
Now playing: Kurt Elling - Goin' To Chicago
via FoxyTunes

One time, OK, see, one time (part 9)

2008-05-02T13:04:00.002-04:00

OK, see, one time, in the cafeteria, Randy Beaman was eating a baloney sandwich, then Jason made this gross noise -- thpt! -- and Randy Beaman laughed so hard baloney came out his nose!

Really!
'K, bye.

Just Call Me Dr. Church

2008-05-01T17:14:00.006-04:00

I did it!!

I am no longer blogging as Doctor Church. Now I shall blog as Dr. Doctor Church! (Or perhaps Dr. Church Ph.D.) The committee put up a good fight yesterday, but I could not be denied. The papers have been signed and my Ph.D. is finally complete.

The presentation went for about 45-50 minutes with minimal interruptions (certainly less than my proposal presentation). Afterwards, a freakin third of my audience (of 15) asked questions. I was a little surprised at so many questions from the public - but I handled them well I believe. Next, the committee chair kicked the public out and the sparring session began. I immediately reminded myself that in order to be granted a Ph.D. I had to exhibit true American academic elitism. In other words, in response to each question from my committee, I endeavored to make the person feel foolish for asking such a meaningless question regarding my impeccable, indisputable, irrevocable work. (I'm sure Dubs will be great at this part when his time comes.) Finally, after about an hour of questions I was dismissed as the committee deliberated. Ten minutes later I was congratulated and asked to sign the final forms...oh yeah, and forced to undergo some Ph.D. hazing at the hands of my committee. I can't say much as I've been sworn to secrecy, but I will say it involved a paddle, several laboratory mice, a CO2 laser, and several shots of s'more flavored schnapps. It was kind of like this.

The hard part being over, the rest of the day was beautiful. I went to lunch with TinRoof, my officemates Fuoco and Phlogiston, my advisor H-bomb, and my dad - who had driven in from StL the day before to surprise me. After lunch, my dad, TR, and I visited a few local wineries as it was a b-e-a-utiful day here in Virginny, had a delicious dinner at Downtown Thai, and dessert at the Melting Pot. The plan had been to hit up The Corner that night for some celebratory revelry but we were so exhausted and full that we called it a night. I suppose I'll have to wait for another night to streak the lawn.

I must say, it feels incredible to be done - especially given my distaste for research. And don't worry, I may not be bored in grad school anymore, but I'll still be blogging - maybe more - as I currently have no job. Speaking of that....uh... can any of you spare some change?

Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

2008-04-18T16:20:00.003-04:00

Two posts in one day? Unheard of! But check it. I was reading this article about what the world will be like 50 years from now. Just a bunch of random people guessing about scientific inventions and advances in medicine, etc. I enjoy pondering that from time to time (after all, I enjoyed Star Trek back in the day). But what makes this article blog worthy is that someone predicted that having cats as pets will be a thing of the past! Glory! This article gives me more hope than Obama!

Diseases ranging from Alzheimer's and Parkinson's to schizophrenia and bipolar disorder will be shown to be caused by infectious agents that take advantage of genetic predisposition, says psychiatrist E. Fuller Torrey, president of the Treatment Advocacy Center. Researchers will be surprised to find that many of those infectious agents are being transmitted from animals to humans. As a result, it will be uncommon to keep cats, birds or hamsters as pets - but we'll still have dogs around, because they've been "man's best friend" for so long that we've already adjusted to their infectious agents.

Wait for me... while I tie my shoe.

2008-04-18T11:52:00.004-04:00

While I'm waiting for my defense slides to compile (stupid LaTeX) I thought I'd work on a post.

It's 12 days till my defense. I can't help but feel I should be more nervous and much busier than I currently am. I turned in my dissertation to my advisor early last week. He's dodged me since then. I saw him this Tuesday and the conversation went something like this:

Advisor: Well, I finished that grant proposal I've been working on. I'm pretty happy with it. I guess now I need to read your dissertation. When's it due to the committee?
Me: Tomorrow.
Advisor: Hmmm. Well, let's see. You defend April 29th?
Me: April 30th.
Advisor: We can turn it in Monday. That will still give them plenty of time.
Me: If you say so.

So, yeah. I still haven't received his final edits. I am tempted to be worried about this as he could swoop in and propose tons of changes - but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the document is tight enough. In the meantime, as I've said, I'm working on the slides for my defense. It's actually frustratingly difficult trying to decide what to include. Describing 4 years and 135 pages in 45 minutes is not simple.

In other news - I went to a Graduate Engineering Keg Kill last night. It was essentially Mechanical and Aerospace Engineers versus Biomedical and Systems Engineers. I am ashamed to report - MAE lost. I admit though, I personally wasn't playing to win. (I needed more motivation than winning bragging rights.) Still, props to Rookie and Duda for hosting an enjoyable evening. After all, how could I graduate from an institution such as UVA without having helped kill a keg of crappy, crappy beer?

Afterwards, I headed home and caught the new episodes of 30 Rock, The Office, and Scrubs. For those who care - I'm still freaking out about The Office episode. Soooo incredible. I have long been worried that the writers would try to force Pam and Jim into some sort of Ross & Rachel, overly dramatic, tumultuous relationship. After all, the tension between P & J essentially drove the series for the first several seasons. Creating more push-pull or negative drama between them would keep us all glued ever week. But honestly, I've never felt that's what we all wanted. For once we'd like to see the happy couple get together and stay together. It does happen in the real world you know. And the show will still be funny. I'm ecstatic that it appears the writers aren't afraid to walk down that road (though I admit I am still suspicious as it seems too good to be true.)

OK. The new slides are done. I'm going to mock-defend to see how much I've got so far.

Stuff White People Like

2008-03-26T17:28:00.002-04:00

#81: Graduate School

(This site is hilarious by the way.)

The Dissertating Goeth On

2008-03-25T11:02:00.003-04:00

For those of you keeping track I thought I'd offer a quick update on my progress (i.e. my prospects for departing graduate school). As you might have surmised from my post at the end of last month, things have been busy and tense. Just a few weeks ago my advisor suggested the possibility of pushing off my defense (thus preventing me from graduating in May). I attempted to make it clear that the suggestion did not thrill me. Well, either I got through or he had a change of heart. I am happy to report that things are finally on schedule. My defense is scheduled for April 30th - which means my dissertation is due 3 weeks from tomorrow. The dissertation itself is starting to take shape and my advisor has now made a first pass through editing the body chapters - without proposing major changes. (I have yet to decide whether this is because my work and writing are good - or simply because he realizes we don't have a lot of time for major revisions. I hope it's the former.) I've been working some fairly long hours and the weekends have begun to disappear but on the bright side, I can truly say I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I am finally letting myself get my hopes up that, yes, I will become Dr. Church Ph.D. in the near future. Then begins the next big challenge... becoming gainfully employed...

Smoking to the Glory of God

2008-03-06T14:53:00.001-05:00

by Jamey Bennett

Note: While this is an anecdotal defense of smoking, its implications carry out to drinking as well.

"I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves." - Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Many of us Christians have an uncanny ability to maintain unbiblical taboos that suggest that we are much holier, wiser, and more spiritual than God Himself. One such taboo is smoking. Though the Scriptures never utter a word to denounce moderate smoking, I grew up in circles where it was not uncommon to hear things like, "I can't believe he smokes; I thought he was a Christian." I probably said it myself. As if the Christian life could be summed up in the phrase, "Don't smoke, drink or chew or go with girls who do."¹ Many churches bind the Christian's conscience when God has not.

Charles Spurgeon (1834-1892), the noteworthy British Baptist preacher, was very much a lover of smoking. Some estimate he enjoyed a cigar a day. Between 1826 and 1830, England went from importing 26 pounds of cigars per year, to 250,000 pounds!² This over-night popularity of cigars did not go unnoticed by the legalists of his time. One man, who was rather disturbed upon hearing that Spurgeon was a smoker, asked him if this was the truth. Spurgeon, always wielding a sharp wit, replied, "I cultivate my flowers and burn my weeds."³ I suppose Spurgeon would gladly affirm what G.K. Chesterton said somewhere: "I will submit to cigars."

John Piper recounts another humorous situation that the Prince of Preachers found himself in.⁴ Spurgeon said to a Methodist critic, "If I ever find myself smoking to excess, I promise I shall quit entirely."
"What would you call smoking to excess?" the man asked.
"Why, smoking two cigars at the same time!" was the answer.

One day Spurgeon was to go on "an excursion" with some of his young students from his church. The men arrived happy and early, cigars and pipes lit, "looking forward to a day of unrestrained enjoyment." ⁵ As Spurgeon hopped into his seat, he acted astonished, and said: "What, gentlemen! Are you not ashamed to be smoking so early?" Each student, looking rather dismayed, put out his cigar or pipe one by one. No sooner had they put away their treats than Spurgeon pulled out his cigar case and began puffing away delightfully. All were confused and astonished. One brave soul spoke, "I thought you said you objected to smoking, Mr. Spurgeon?" Spurgeon had them where he wanted them, so he dropped the punch line. "Oh no, I did not say I objected. I asked if they were not ashamed, and it appears they were, for they have all put their pipes away."

Spurgeon's smoking encounters were not always full of such amusement, however. One Sunday in 1874, Spurgeon preached a sermon on the "sinfulness of little sins." He had a guest minister in the audience that night, visiting from America, and so he asked the preacher to come to the pulpit to give a life application of the sermon. To Spurgeon's dismay, the preacher spoke voraciously against "the sin of smoking tobacco, especially in the form of cigars." After kindly listening to this lamentable sermon application, Spurgeon arose and addressed the issue more sanely. Here are his words:

Well, dear friends, you know that some men can do to the glory of God what to other men would be sin. And notwithstanding what brother Pentecost has said, I intend to smoke a good cigar to the glory of God before I go to bed to-night.

If anybody can show me in the Bible the command, "Thou shalt not smoke," I am ready to keep it; but I haven't found it yet. I find ten commandments, and it's as much as I can do to keep them; and I've no desire to make them into eleven or twelve.

The fact is, I have been speaking to you about real sins, not about listening to mere quibbles and scruples. At the same time, I know that what a man believes to be sin becomes a sin to him, and he must give it up. "Whatsoever is not of faith is sin" [Rom. 14:23], and that is the real point of what my brother Pentecost has been saying.

Why, a man may think it a sin to have his boots blacked. Well, then, let him give it up, and have them whitewashed. I wish to say that I'm not ashamed of anything whatever that I do, and I don't feel that smoking makes me ashamed, and therefore I mean to smoke to the glory of God.

This statement of Spurgeon's actually launched a huge controversy in London. The influential pastor was on the receiving end of not a few attacks from friends, foes, and newspaper goofballs. But Spurgeon believed one cannot bind another's conscience where God has not.

I've often said that when a fundamentalist pastor comes to the house, it's time to hide the beer. But when a reformational pastor pays you a visit, you'd better get out the ales! The same thing could easily be said about cigars. Offer a cigar to a fundamentalist and you're likely to get kicked to the curb quicker than Jackie Chan. Offer one to a reformational minister and you'll be the guest of honor at the next church potluck.⁶

When he invited a minister from America to say a few words, Spurgeon was quite disappointed with the man's legalistic stance on tobacco. Spurgeon's words launched a widespread controversy that he thought was rather unnecessary. Because "the matter was widely discussed both in the newspapers and in private circles," "Spurgeon addressed a letter to the Daily Telegraph with a view of scattering any misapprehension which might arise."

In his letter, he wrote:

I demur altogether and most positively to the statement that to smoke tobacco is in itself a sin. It may become so, as any other indifferent action may, but as an action it is no sin. … There is a growing up in society a Pharisaic system which adds to the commands of God the precepts of men: to that system I will not yield for an hour. The preservation of my liberty may bring upon me the upbraidings of many good men, and the sneers of the self-righteous; but I shall endure both with serenity so long as I feel clear in my conscience before God. … I am told that my open avowal will lessen my influence and my reply is that if I have gained any influence through being thought different from what I am, I have no wish to retain it. I will do nothing upon the sly, and nothing about which I have a doubt.

What these unbiblical taboos are can be summed up in one word: legalism. Dr. Kim Riddlebarger argues, "There is nothing in Scripture which teaches that one must discontinue the use of alcoholic beverages or tobacco in order to become a Christian. It is simply not anywhere in the text."⁷ Riddlebarger is operating on the assumption that we have no right to impose any moral standards, whatsoever that are not "either expressly set down in Scripture, or by good and necessary consequence may be deduced from Scripture."⁸ The Scriptures seem to have a huge problem with adding to or taking away from the commandments of God. Riddlebarger continues, "We're putting false obstacles in the way of unbelievers when we put these man-made rules in their path and tell them becoming a Christian is stopping doing this that and the other. That's a false gospel."

The Westminster Confession of Faith booms loudly the truth of this point:

God alone is Lord of the conscience and has left it free from the doctrines and commandments of men which are—in anything—contrary to his Word, or which—in matters of faith or worship—are in addition to it. Therefore, anyone who believes such doctrines or obeys such commands out of conscience betrays true liberty of conscience. The requiring of an implicit faith, and an absolute and blind obedience, destroys both liberty of conscience and reason.⁹

It would be wise for Christians to avoid upholding the commandments of men as the commandments of God. God has granted us a liberty to be free from the commandments and precepts of men. The Apostle Paul told us that it was for freedom that Christ has set us free! He goes on to admonish us not to submit to a yoke of slavery (Gal. 5:1). Peter also warned of putting a yoke on the neck of the disciples (Acts 15:10). Why should we accept a yoke of slavery when Christ has set us free, especially for something that God has not forbidden? We must be diligent in our obedience to the word of God, in both observing the law and maintaining our liberty in things indifferent.

The Son of Man came eating and drinking; and if God has blessed us as such, we should too. We should delight in the gifts of God! When we smoke our cigars, our hearts should praise the Lord and giver of all good things. We ought to be grateful to God in our smoking and careful to avoid excess; as we should in all things indifferent, be they Twinkies, Trix, or table salt. Paul advises us to glorify God in all that we do, including our eating and drinking (1 Cor. 10:31). "No Christian should do anything," says Spurgeon, "in which he cannot glorify God: and this may be done, according to Scripture, in eating and drinking and the common actions of life."

And before I go to bed tonight, I shall smoke a cigar to glory of God.

This article originally appeared on the old RazorMouth.com.

Lemon Poop

2008-02-27T11:10:00.002-05:00

I've railed before against restaurant waiters putting a lemon slice in my water when I did not request it. After all, had I wanted lemonade, I'd have ordered it. And I most certainly wouldn't order watered down lemonade - which is what it tastes like when my water is polluted with a lemon slice. Well it turns out, lemon may not be the only pollutant that comes with this slice. A health study recently came out (admittedly, by a researcher at a community college) which examined the rind and pulp of 76 lemons served on water glasses at various restaurants in New Jersey. Some of her findings....

A total of 25 different types of germs were found on 53 out of the 76 lemons that were sampled. Some were fecal in origin (either from dirty fingertips of the restaurant employees, or from meat-contaminated cutting boards and knives), while others were types commonly found in saliva, on the skin and in the environment.
One sample had six different microorganisms on it, three of which are found in fecal material. Although some lemon slices had germs either only on the rind or only on the pulp, 29 percent had germs on both sites. In 15 instances the germs on the pulp were completely different from those on the rind, indicating that the pulp had been in contact with a contaminated surface as or after it was sliced. Sometimes when more than one lemon was sampled during a single restaurant visit, different germs were found on each.

Perhaps I will admit defeat and begin requesting "water with no lemon" even though I'll know inside I should not have to utter the words "with no lemon". I'd rather speak up and have less poop in my water.

One time, OK, see, one time (part 8)

2008-02-26T11:29:00.001-05:00

OK, this is scary. See, one time, Randy Beaman was asleep and he heard a "scratch scratch scratch" on the window and he woke up and nothing was there, so the next night he heard a "scratch scratch scratch" on the floor and he woke up and there was nothing there, and so the next night he heard "scratch scratch scratch" on his bed and he woke up and you know what it was? His mom's Lee Press-On Nails had come alive, and they were after Randy Beaman! Aaaaah!!!

'K, bye.

Confession

2008-02-26T11:24:00.002-05:00

I have a confession to make:

Last night, I watched the last fifteen minutes of Deal or No Deal... and found it somewhat exiting.

I hope you won't think less of me for having admitted that.

What He Said / What He Meant

2008-02-25T17:40:00.003-05:00

It's becoming clear that my advisor is either a very keen and sly man capable of manipulating graduate students in unthinkable ways, or he simply has a poor memory which allows him to continually contradict himself. Therefore, hoping he isn't reading this (even though he has a good enough sense of humor to know when I'm just blowing off steam), I offer a look back at some key moments in graduate school.

What He Said: Don't waste time getting your masters, you can skip it and work directly on your PhD.
What He Meant: If you get a masters, you'll most likely be content to leave it at that and get a job - meaning I won't get any publications out of you.

What He Said: You should be able to finish your PhD with only an extra year and a half or so.
What He Meant: I run out of funding for you after three and a half years, so you had better finish in four or be prepared to work for free.

What He Said: As soon as I'm finished with this other paper/research proposal/lecture preparation/meeting slides, you will be my first priority.
What He Meant: As soon as I'm finished with this other paper/research proposal/lecture preparation/meeting slides, I will have another paper/research proposal/lecture preparation/meeting slides to work on which will take precedence over your trivial work in which I am no longer interested.

What He Said: This is fantastic! You're going to be famous! (He actually said that...about a plot I showed him once.)
What He Meant: No one is famous for this type of work; and by the way, I'll find minor problems with the work 2 years from now right before you attempt to graduate.

What He Said: It's no problem if we have to push your graduation off until August.
What He Meant: You may not want to drag this out and work for free this summer, but it's no sweat off my back.

Frail

2008-02-22T14:01:00.002-05:00

Two quick videos to share with you all today. The first is a recording of a solo I sang at church a few months ago. I just got around to posting it on YouTube the other day. The first half of the lyrics were written by Jars of Clay, the second half is my own personal addition. Following that, since I never posted about the Super Bowl (which was awesome by the way, though I hope Brownsox will get over it) or, more specifically, its commercials which I thought were relatively good this year (see: E-Trade baby and Doritos mouse), I wanted to share my favorite commercial of all time. Enjoy.

3 cities - 1 weekend

2008-02-18T23:31:00.003-05:00

This was an exhausting weekend. Friday night, TinRoof drove here from Richmond after work so we could attend GCF together - after which Team Awesome dominated in some Trivial Pursuit. And I mean dominated. We filled half our pie on our first turn. I may have lost some friends during the game. Thankfully TinRoof - who was on the other team - quickly forgave me. After GCF, we turned around and headed back to Richmond (leaving TR's car in CVille).

Saturday morning we had our first pre-marriage counseling session with a couple from our church in Richmond. It was our first time meeting them, but we had a great time. Hopefully it will be helpful meeting with and talking to them about what's ahead of us. As soon as they were out the door, we cleaned up and headed up to DC. For lunch we met up with The Expert's sister, husband, and their kids for some pizza. They're a friendly couple with super cute kids. We even got one of them to sing for us. And though she made us close our eyes, she must have known we were peeking since as she sang, she slowly moved to the corner behind a big chair to hide. I have to admit, it was also funnier than it should have been when the 1 year old slammed the kitchen door on the 3 year old like he was a tiny mobster and she owed him milk money.

Leaving the family, we headed to our next rendezvous. After chilling at Bridesmaid#1's apt for a while, we headed to dinner where Bridesmaid#2 met up with us at a great Italian place. (Note, the numbers are not ranking but rather are listed in order of appearance.) I decided to make use of the birthday money donated by my parents (I turned 26 last Tuesday) to enjoy a braised lamb shank with saffron risotto. Good lord. I hardly said a word during dinner. I let the girls talk as I lost myself in a world of deliciousness. The wine wasn't bad either.

After dinner we headed our separate ways. TinRoof and I began the uber long journey to the house of Bourbon Samurai. The stupid DC Metro was running very late due to repairs and greatly slowed us. Further, once we got off, there was a good 25 minute walk ahead of us in search of Bourbon's house. Finally, we arrived and the reunion commenced. If memory serves, it had been nearly 2 years since I last saw Bourbon and Quantum. True to form, I had yet to sit down before I was handed a glass and a bottle of Jameson. The NYC crew was relaxing after a long day of script-editing. As the evening wore on, random movies played (some involving a creepy young Natalie Portman), the whiskey flowed, and Quantum regaled my fiance with tales of old NU. (If she has a favorite, perhaps she'll add it to the comment section.) As he did so, I was reminded how awesome and unique a man is Quantum. Truly a friend I have missed. The evening came to a close with the grilling of ground chuck in Worcestershire. Delicious.

By this time it's probably 2:30 in the am. And unfortunately TinRoof and I have to haul ourselves back to the Metro. In retrospect, the walk was much more pleasant than the Metro ride. My distaste for the Metro primarily stems from its idiotic and non-intuitive ticket process. It is not - as most subways - a flat fare, but is dependent upon the distance one travels. To further complicate the process, you not only have to swipe your fare card before getting on the train - but after getting off. This way, if you put the wrong amount on your card (very easy to do as the rates are also dependent on the time of day), you have a chance to rectify the situation by paying more money (often being forced to pay more than what you owe due to the machine's retardedness). However my tango with the Metro this evening had as much to do with the driver - who seemed intent on not only swaying side to side more than any mass transit system I've ridden (this truth can be corroborated by others - such as TinRoof - who were not under the influence of Jameson and Old Crow) but also continually speeding up and slowing down causing me to pitch backward and forward. Not an enjoyable ride in the slightest.

We made it back to Bmaid1's apt by around 4am (after another long walk) and enjoyed the hard earned sleep. Sunday consisted of a brunch in the city (following another dizzying ride on the Metro) at a place that offered one of the best breakfast burritos I've ever tasted (and I know the inventor of the breakfast burrito). TinRoof and I spent the late afternoon at the National Portrait Gallery which was actually quite enjoyable. I was especially excited to see the Colbert Exhibit near the bathrooms. Finally, it was time to make the long drive back to Cville. TinRoof had today off and hung around for the day so we could have dinner together. It's nights like tonight that make me happy to be a grad student who can show up at the office whenever he pleases.

----------------
Now playing: John Coltrane - Giant Steps
via FoxyTunes

Whiskey Math

2008-02-18T16:53:00.003-05:00

Yes, yes, I've neglected my blog. Attempting to write a dissertation tends to suck the life out of a person - not to mention, provides no fodder for a blog entry. This weekend, however, was different. Will write more later - but for now, here's what you should know...

Jameson Irish Whiskey = delicious.
Jameson + Old Crow Kentucky bourbon whisky = delicious + inebriating.
Jameson + Old Crow + DC Metro = bad idea.

Happy New Year

2008-01-02T18:09:00.000-05:00

The Giving Blog

2007-12-17T19:08:00.001-05:00

So... if you were a 24 year old woman, what would you want for Christmas from your fiance? Seriously, people, I could use some help here. I don't know why I'm having so much trouble this time around. I hope that doesn't bode poorly for future Christmases. I hope to spend many with TinRoof.

OK folks - I'm off to the Schnitzel house for ein bier with one of my office mates (Little Mikey). After that, I may go prowl the mall promptly and hope that a present will present itself to my presence for purchase...presently.

Video Bonanza (episode 2)

2007-12-14T12:32:00.000-05:00

Greetings beautiful people of the world. Despite my lack of blogging recently, the Musings have encountered a resurgence in popularity. I think it has to do with this post from last year in which I spread the word of The Abominable "O Holy Night". Well good news folks. I just found out there is a new article up over at the Burnside Writer's Collective which includes an interview with the "singer" of this hideous musical performance. Check it out.

As for me, my creativity is still waning. I have yet to fully recover from 12th Night. By the by, kudos to those of you who came out to support me. It truly means a lot. PezMan came all the way from StL, my Dad was in town, and TinRoof's entire extended family (almost) showed up from TN and DC. And of course, many of the CVille crew came out as well. For those of you who did not come (save those of you with proper excuses): allow me to gently remind you how important it is to us performers that our friends come and support us. For all of you out there with friends in theatre or music: when someone invites you to a performance - be there. It's what you do. Especially if it's a show they've spent months on and have a large role in. Unless your friend gives you permission, or you have a genuine conflict, it's pretty much not acceptable to miss a show.

Enough of that. Now on to bigger and better things. Namely, my second ever Video Bonanza! (See above comment about my current lack of creativity.)

A clip from the show Extras. Hilarious episode with Sir Ian in it.
(NYC crew - be sure to watch this one!)

Since we've been talking about hilarious versions of "O Holy Night" I thought I'd rehash the classic performance by Cartman. You wouldn't believe how hard it was to find a clip of this. The only one I found is really poor - but does the trick.

A clip from my recent performance of Carmina Burana.

And because I can't get enough of Bobby McFerrin lately, here's The Voice.

Twelfth Night

2007-11-28T15:29:00.000-05:00

Today I decided I was going to start a blog and use it to advertise the upcoming performances of Twelfth Night (in which I play Sir Toby Belch). Then I realized I already had a blog! Grant it, no one visits anymore except my mother-in-law-to-be, but still.

Seriously though, I apologize for the blog-neglect. You NYC theatre folk know how it is. Especially you, Bourbon. You have a blog too, ya know. How else am I to learn about the exploits of Quantum and his mighty Quantum Card?

The point is, the show opens Thursday and runs for two weeks after which time I shall return to the art of blogging. In the meantime, here are some things to keep you happy.

1. I may have mentioned before - but I truly appreciate drunk dials. Honestly, it's quite nice to know that I'm remembered from time to time.
2. Uber260 is an incredible human being. The man sent TinRoof and I an engagement present! And he is to be thanked! (She especially enjoyed the gift - it saved her like $60 at Anne Taylor).
3. I know you all don't live in Charlottesville - but come to my show anyway! I'm looking at you Quantum, Brownsox, etc.
4. Remember that one trip to White Castle where we met Skinny and Marlow? I wonder what became of those guys and their jug of gin.

In Search of The Belch

2007-10-18T11:58:00.000-04:00

I must needs learn to belch. And by that I mean several things. For starters, many of you know I was recently cast as Sir Toby Belch in the UVA Drama Dept. presentation of Twelfth Night. If you did not know it - now you do; it is not too late to congratulate me. And it is never too late to purchase your tickets for the show. Correction: after the show is too late. But I diverge! My point is that I must learn to Belch (that is, to be Sir Belch, and to... burp). There comes a point in every man's life when he must learn the seductive art of the unassisted burp. Typically this comes at about age 12 or 13. Unfortunately, this is one skill my father failed to pass on to me. So now am I a 25 year old belchless man. I have looked for help online and found none that was actually helpful. And every person I've asked has told me the same thing - swallow air. Well kiss my blog-o-butt (did I perhaps finally coin a new blog lingo?), I don't know what the crap that means. And I've nearly gagged myself trying. I am determined to learn this skill over the next month. So if any of you have any helpful advice that does not include the phrase "swallow air" please send it my way.

Also...um... did I mention I'm engaged?!

Lemon Water

2007-09-24T12:23:00.000-04:00

Let me tell you something that drives me nuts (for, what good are blogs if not as an outlet for childish complaining). I can't stand it when I go to a restaurant and ask for water but instead am brought back supremely watered down lemonade. Now, I know there are those of you who enjoy a slice of lemon on their water glass - and that's fine. But when I ask for a water, I expect to receive only water. If I wanted lemonade, I would order it. And if a lemonade was delivered to me that tasted as watered down as the lemon-water which is so often served in place of water, I would send it back.

Now, this is something I've loathed for some time. But what prompted the blog was this weekend's meals with TinRoof's grandmother, Gan. At each restaurant, Gan would ask the waiter for "water with lemon" and I would ask for "water". And each time, we were both brought the same thing: lemon-polluted-water. I briefly thought, perhaps when I order my drink, I should clarify - "water without lemon". But then I thought, screw that! Why should I be the one who has to clarify? I think Gan had it right when she ordered - she specified exactly what she wanted - just as I did. But only one of us was listened to.

If only I were able to be a jerk in real life (not just on my blog), maybe I would send back my "water" and ask for a water.

Dr. Church's Bewitched Ale

2007-09-12T19:56:00.000-04:00

The long awaited picture of my home made beer.

Jealous?

Pi-th Visit

2007-09-07T11:33:00.000-04:00

The Musings have received their Pi-th visitor! (The 3,141-th visitor, that is.) The lucky winner of this shout out is a Verizon Internet Services customer and has an IP address which traces to King of Prussia, Pennsylvania. I didn't even know that was a real town! But it has been google-confirmed and is near Philly which leads me to believe the mystery visitor was my former office mate, the Italian Stallion of Combustion. His visit included 2 page views and a length of 1 minute and 40 seconds - just enough time for a healthy dose prescribed by Dr. Church.

In other visitation news. Someone recently arrived at my site via a Google search for "high altitude flatulence emissions". I've never been more proud than this moment.

One time, OK, see, one time (part 7)

2007-09-06T12:20:00.000-04:00

OK, so, see, one time Randy Beaman's mom's best friend, whose name is Linda, wanted to get a tan more than anything, so she went to a tanning salon and she stayed in too long and she boiled her guts.

'K, bye.

Church's Commercial Challenge

2007-09-05T10:26:00.000-04:00

Last month, I supplied you all with a challenge. I was hoping one of you might track down - or at least remember - the "No mommy! That's my food!" commercial. I even offered to grant one wish to the winner of this challenge and sing his praises on my Musings. None of you bit. Fine then. Be that way. However, I have come up with a second challenge. This one is just for fun though - no wishes will be granted.

I've been thinking lately about the long term impact of advertising. There's so much crap on the tube these days. I wonder what will have staying power. Will kids 15 years from now remember the Gecko or the Cavemen? Will they be able to sing the McDonald's jingle? Am I the only one who has a ridiculous memory of this useless crap? I can think back on my childhood and certain commercials or jingles stick out vividly even after all these years. The other day, I couldn't get the old Big Red jingle out of my head and I wondered - am I the only one?

So the challenge is this: Without the aid of YouTube or any other internet cheating device, can any of you remember the lyrics to the old school Big Red jingle?

Give up? You can hear it here. I'd also be curious to hear your nominations for the commercial and/or jingle from your childhood which is most memorable.

On the Being of a Grad Student (Part 2)

2007-09-03T11:41:00.000-04:00

A moment in the life and times of a graduate student:

It's the week before Labor Day weekend. You have an abstract submission for a conference due on Friday evening. On your own, you might never submit to this conference, or care to attend it; however your advisor is determined to keep up his appearance in the academic community and thus must show you off. You oblige and finish the abstract by Thursday at mid day - sending it to your advisor for one last (well... first) perusal and approval. And while you know the submission deadline will be extended (they always are), your girlfriend will be in town this weekend and you hope to get the abstract out of the way before she arrives. What's more, she has a real job and thus has Monday off from work (legitimately) and you wish to spend time with her. Grad students don't ever really get days off. Even on holidays or approved vacation days your advisor has somehow managed to instill in you a moderate amount of guilt. What kind of slacker grad student takes off for a minor holiday such as Thanksgiving!? So you make plans with your girlfriend to do something fun - perhaps a picnic and then an afternoon matinée. But he knows. Somehow your advisor has caught wind of the fact that you intend to stray from his bidding. So he plots his revenge. Rather than meeting with you on Friday to discuss your abstract (as you requested), he waits until Sunday night to contact you. And "coincidentally" requests a meeting smack in the middle of your Labor Day plans. You can try to change the meeting time, but it will be of no avail. Your advisor knows that you must answer his every beck and call. After all, you hope to graduate one day and emerge from this pitiful graduate existence.

Don't you?

Like... such as

2007-08-27T16:40:00.000-04:00

I had planned to blog this morning about seeing Evan Almighty last night. I was going to tell you all how pleasantly surprised I was by the film. That it was cute and funny and wholesome. And that I even spotted a friend or two in the background (it was filmed just down the road). I was going to tell you about the ridiculously beautiful theatre that TinRoof and I saw this movie in (The Byrd in Richmond) and how awesome it was that we only paid $2. But then... I saw Miss Teen South Carolina's tragically funny response to a question in the recent Miss Teen USA competition. I honestly wasn't sure whether to fall to the ground in laughter or shed a tear for the US American education system (not to mention those poor South Africans). Even the good old Mario Lopez was struggling to contain himself after this idiotic remark. So what more could I do than what thousands of people have probably already done - and post this video on my blog. Enjoy! But beware - you absolutely will be dumber 48 seconds from now.

My favorite part is "everywhere like such as and"!

Horrible Green Monster

2007-08-24T10:47:00.000-04:00

Alright so the title is slightly misleading. Give me a break, I don't blog that much anymore. My creativity has been drained by my advisor who deems it unnecessary for academic research. For example, earlier this week - he had me scan a 200+ page document and create a ginormous pdf for him. Man was that a fun time. But what really has me irked at the present (and has inspired this blog's title) is my apartment community's landscapers. These guys come bright and early to get their work done. And as a result - they wake up my lazy grad-student-ass quite abruptly and... annoyingly (is that a word?). Look, I know people with real jobs are up by 8am. But what about those of us who don't go to work until 10...ish? Are we not entitled to wake at our leisure without the sounds of weed whackers, lawn mowers, and leaf blowers? Not to mention the fact that these guys for some reason seem to think it makes sense to blow off the sidewalks by blowing all the clippings and crap onto my front porch! Keep up the good work, jerks.

A welcome back joke

2007-08-13T12:32:00.000-04:00

Hi there! Last week I was at home all week. And as you might have noticed - I didn't do a darned thing. So, while I do have some stories to blog about, for now I will just offer this joke for your amusement. (The punch line will be posted in comments)

What do you do with an elephant who has three balls?

Remind Me

2007-08-01T15:29:00.001-04:00

I guess I'm on a commercials kick right now because lately I haven't been able to get a song out of my head from one of Geico's caveman commercials. Specifically, it's the one where the caveman is on a conveyor at the airport and passes a Geico sign. You can watch it on YouTube if you want. Anyway, I really dig the song. Well God bless the internet! I tracked down the song. It's called Remind Me and is by the Norwegian duo Röyksopp. While I still haven't found a recording of the remixed version which is heard in the commercial, the original version is pretty tight as well. To top it off, the video is excellent. Enjoy!

Blasted

2007-07-26T20:53:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time, I wanted to be an astronaut. It was my dream for a good 9 years or so. Upon graduation from Northwestern, I had a series of interviews with NASA Marshall. They even flew me down for an interview. In the end, though they were intent on hiring me, they were prevented from making an offer due to the restructuring NASA was undergoing at the time. (Thanks a lot Bush!) Instead, I went off to grad school in Mechanical and Aerospace Engineering. But as time went on, I became more and more disillusioned with NASA. Rojas got a job at NASA Langley and rarely had positive reports about the work environment. Not to mention the fact that a couple years ago I discovered I am ineligible to be an astronaut based on my poor vision. (You don't have to have perfect vision - but it has to be within a certain range. Mine is not. However I knew that. What I didn't know until a few years ago was that getting laser eye surgery to bring me within this range would in fact disqualify me from candidacy.) Anyhow - the point of all this is merely to say that another news story has eroded my faith in NASA...

Drunken astronauts reportedly allowed to fly.

When I grow up

2007-07-25T16:01:00.000-04:00

You know what's worse than having to prepare for your dissertation proposal? ... Preparing a dissertation proposal which bores the crap out of the person doing all the research! (That would be me.) It is kind of tragic that I've spent 3 years of my life researching a topic which I care so little about. Never mind the fact that I'm committed to one more year of this boredom before graduation will save me from the clutches of grad school. I can't help but wonder how I got here. There seems to be a fine line between perseverance and being stubborn. I'm not sure on which side of the line I currently reside. Some people are surprised to hear that if money was no issue, I would walk away from this field in a heartbeat. Of course this logic reminds me of Office Space...

Peter Gibbons: Our high school guidance counselor used to ask us what you'd do if you had a million dollars and you didn't have to work. And invariably what you'd say was supposed to be your career. So, if you wanted to fix old cars then you're supposed to be an auto mechanic.

Samir: So what did you say?

Peter Gibbons: I never had an answer. I guess that's why I'm working at Initech.

Michael Bolton: No, you're working at Initech because that question is bullshit to begin with. If everyone listened to her, there'd be no janitors, because no one would clean shit up if they had a million dollars.

Ah well. Thankfully I have enough acting training that I should be able to deliver my proposal presentation in such a way that my committee has no idea how bored I am by my own presentation.

No mommy!

2007-07-23T16:00:00.000-04:00

If any of you can find a clip online of the commercial from way back in the day in which we heard the following quote...

No mommy! That's my food!

I will sing your praises on my Musings and grant you one wish. That commercial was hilarious... in a tragic sort of way. I can't remember what it was for. Probably Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig. Maybe Slim Fast. Alls I know is I laugh when I think about it.

Minor league baseball is the bomb

2007-07-23T11:00:00.000-04:00

Among other exciting activities TinRoof and I enjoyed this weekend, we attended a minor league baseball game Saturday night. The Richmond Braves played the Toledo Mud Hens. A meeting of two first place teams in the International League (AAA). It was a great game to be sure - despite a few bonehead plays which one expects to see in the minors. Unfortunately, the home team was not the victor. The Mud Hens prevailed 4-1. A few notes about the game and minor league baseball in general:

I appreciate that AAA players like to steal. They give the crowd plenty of excitement. But at the same time, it aggravated me to see people running just for the heck of it, just to see if they could make it. Stealing a base can pay off - if you're not stupid about it. The Mud Hens may have won the game - but they also had 4 of 5 would be base stealers get picked off! My favorite part was when a guy on second got caught in a pickle by the pitcher - who ran him down and tagged him. The idiot on the basepaths should have at least made the pitcher throw the ball! That at least provides the chance for an error. The best part is - on the very next play, the guy on first decides he's going to make a run for second and gets thrown out by the catcher. The Mud Hens went from 2 on, no outs to 2 down and nobody on.
I like how many families come to minor league games. The number of cute kids in baseball getup was... innumerable. It was wonderfully distracting. And it makes me happy to live in America.
Keeping score is easier with 2 people. You can take turns. You can get a second opinion on how to score a play. And you can get up to get a beer without losing track of the game.
I'm glad we didn't go to the game on Sunday. The stadium was evacuated after the 5th inning due to a bomb threat! Can you believe that?

That's the game folks.

One time, OK, see, one time (part 6)

2007-07-18T10:24:00.000-04:00

One time Randy Beaman woke up at night and he saw Dracula... but he thought it wasn't Dracula - just some clothes hanging up - then he turned on the light and it really was Dracula.

'K, bye.

Coffee makes me like things

2007-07-17T15:48:00.000-04:00

I'm considering becoming a coffee addict. I'm starting to think it might make me much happier day to day. Currently I generally only have coffee maybe 2 times a week (usually Sunday morning at church and Thursday afternoon at the department seminar). Yet I find once that caffeine gets coursing through my veins, I am much more interested in using my brain. I enjoy seminars - even when the topic is dry and complex. I become fascinated with fellow grad students' research updates, dissertation proposals, or thesis defenses. I even become ever so slightly interested in my own work. I've previously avoided drinking excessive coffee so I wouldn't get to where I need it to function. But what's the point of functioning sans-coffee if you're bored all the time?

Blogger case of the Mondays

2007-07-16T10:48:00.000-04:00

I'm not exactly sure what is behind my recent lack of interest in blogging. Perhaps it's because so few people read The Musings anymore. Then again, perhaps they stopped coming because I stopped musing. It's the classic chicken-egg dilema. Incidentally, have you ever used Google Scholar to investigate the academic discourse on which came first? I have.

The last few weeks have not been without excitement either. I visited TN. Voce99 made his first trip to visit me in Cville over the 4th of July. TinRoof has now completed 2 weeks at her new job in Richmond and seems to be loving it. We've been taking turns driving the hour-long ride between Richmond and Cville. My roommate moved out this weekend (tear!) and her boyfriend is going to replace her. He should be moving in any day now.

As advertised, I sampled my home-made beer on the 4th. I swear I'll post a picture eventually. Honestly I was pretty pleased with it. It has a nice color and aroma. And the taste isn't too bad either. The only problem was that I clearly over carbonated it. When I opened the first bottle - a swing-top - it popped off like champagne and blew my hair back. After pouring it, it sparkled excessively for probably 5 minutes before it reached an appropriate level of bubbles. All in all, not bad for my first try. I still have a fair amount left if the NYC crew should like to descend from their castle in the north to taste Dr. Church's Bewitched Red Ale. Come visit me you punks.

Avatar

2007-07-10T10:19:00.000-04:00

Have any of you ever wondered what I might look like as a character on the Simpsons? I has. But this morning, instead of getting to work early, I decided to visit www.simpsonsmovie.com and create my Simpsons avatar. Behold!

P.S. In case you are wondering, I may be suspect of the upcoming movie, but I'm terribly excited about it!

Rage Against the Machine

2007-07-03T13:47:00.000-04:00

First, to answer a few recent questions:

1. It's summer. It's hot out. The beard had to go. (But for the record, the picture below of me with Seinfeld's puffy shirt is from like 2 years ago...hence I look less fat)

2. I have nothing against hand soap in general. But I do think it's time for liquid soap to go. Foaming soap is the wave of the future. And not in the same way that those lame Dip'N'Dots claim to be. Ice cream of the future my ass. Foaming soap is easier to use, does a more thorough and effective job, and saves water and time. That liquid/gel crap aggravates me with its very existence.

For all my whining and ranting, not many things truly enrage me. I'm really a fairly mellow guy. At least I think. But I admit today I had an episode of true rage. A few weeks ago I received a ticket for rolling through a stop sign near my house. Today was my court date. As you might expect, the judge was a dick and stuck me with the fine. Still, I confess I am ashamed of the explosion of anger I unleashed on my car's steering wheel after the hearing.

Certainly part of my anger stems from the fact that, as a graduate student, I just can't really afford to pay 91 freaking dollars for a ticket. But I think what makes me more mad is that I was issued the ticket in the first place. As a law abiding citizen, I can't help but feel that my 25 years of exemplary obedience to the law should earn me some leniency. While the officer was giving me a ticket for an extremely minor infraction, I can't help but wonder what other actual crimes were being committed. Believe me, I understand why the law exists and must be enforced. I understand I bent said law. And I am not trying to plead "oh, why do bad things happen to good people?" But even with all that said, I'm not going to feel that the punishment I endured was fair.

I can't wait for the 4th of July. I've decided to celebrate my independence by smoking a Cuban cigar. Suck on that Albemarle County.

An onion on my belt

2007-06-28T13:39:00.000-04:00

I don't have a whole lot of time to post today, which is a shame since there seems to be a lot of little things pushing me over the edge lately (see: traffic cops, graduate advisors, mice, and hand soap), but I thought I should try to post once before I left town this afternoon. TinRoof and I are heading down to Chattanooga for the weekend. Her parents have been in town all week helping her move to Richmond. This weekend we're going to a friend of hers' wedding. Add possessive apostrophes to the list of things that piss me off. Thus even though I'm short on time (I have work to finish before leaving town), I feel the need to attempt to entertain my admittedly dwindling readership. Therefore I shall borrow a tactic from a wise old coot and tell you all a story that doesn't go anywhere... like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Give me five bees for a quarter, you’d say. Now where were we? Oh yeah -- the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn’t have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...

Google has 2 o's only

2007-06-24T22:32:00.001-04:00

Does anyone else hate Google Images? I find it extremely obnoxious. When I am searching for a picture, I don't want to go to the web page the picture can be found on. I want to see only the picture. But Google has that stupid 2 inch bar that shows up at the top of the page. And then if you actually want to see a decent size shot, you either have to scroll through the website below or you have to click again on the thumbnail. Stupid. Just stupid.

I guess there's nothing left to do but provide you all with a picture or two...

TinRoof and I with The Expert and his wife in Chi-town at a Sox game.

Me and Seinfeld's puffy shirt. It's in the freaking Smithsonian.

P.S. I bought the newest Kurt Elling CD this weekend. It is absolutely ridiculous. If you like jazz - go buy it right now.

Mmm... beer

2007-06-22T11:00:00.000-04:00

Homer no function beer well without.

I don't believe that I've mentioned in the Musings my recent project of brewing my own beer. I'm fairly excited about it but also nervous. It's been fun - in a dorky way - to learn about the brewing process and to watch as the yeast ferments the wort. It's like a science project in which you are encouraged to drink the final product! I'm looking forward to tasting something I've put so much effort and sweat into (figurative sweat). And yet I'm equally nervous. There are all sorts of opportunities for something to have gone wrong during the process, from sanitation to fermentation to carbonation. I just bottled the beer the other night and now must wait a week or two for it to carbonate and characterize. I'm planning to unveil it on the 4th of July. Perhaps it will taste of freedom. I'll be sure to post a picture of the finished product.

Gaza matters

2007-06-17T17:41:00.000-04:00

I just read this Newsweek article regarding the recent events in the Gaza strip. As you all know, I'm not given to discussing politics or current events on this blog. But I found the article intriguing. Particularly the following:

By insisting on cure-all elections in countries and territories that had no institutions of justice and security, or a politically aware economic middle class, to sustain democracy, the Bush team clearly seems to have overreached.

This is something I have been thinking about for awhile. Especially after seeing the Ted Koppel special on Discovery Channel a few months ago. He poignantly pointed out that regardless of the outcome of things in Iraq, this global "war on terror" is likely to wage on for generations to come. Yet he also shone light on some encouraging work the military is doing in various parts of the world.

Preventing terrorism.

Delivering clean water and food and health care and education to communities that otherwise would have none of these things. These are areas of the world where America is still loved. They are cities and villages where terrorists will have little success breeding recruits. It seems to me that this is the kind of preparation and infrastructure that has to be in place before we can ever hope to "wage" democracy.

I feel kinda vulnerable just now, attempting to weigh in on the political realm. But go ahead, have at me.

I'm once again blind

2007-06-12T17:00:00.000-04:00

I just returned from the eye "doctor" and my pupils have been dilated so I can barely read what I type. But I just wanted to blog some additional rage over this whole thing. I just paid nearly 100 dollars to someone to tell me that my prescription has in fact not changed in the past year. I tried to pry a decent explanation from her as to why the exam was necessary. She gave no reasonable excuse and then blamed state law. I say the state must be in the pocket of Big Eye-Ball. Still, it was nice of her to blind me (by dilating my pupils) before robbing me.

Be The Groove

2007-06-11T08:59:00.000-04:00

As promised, here are a couple video clips from the Be The Groove gig I got to participate in while in Chicago last month. Enjoy.

Videos filmed by the lovely and talented TinRoof who graciously acted as a Be The Groove representative that evening. I believe Sameezy put it best when he said, "Dude, your girlfriend is awesome!"

Why I hate buy 1 get 1 free

2007-06-07T12:56:00.000-04:00

Does anyone else hate it when a product you intend to purchase is buy 1 get 1 free? It drives me nuts. Why on earth can't they just make the product half off? Then I would not be forced to buy two loaves of bread when I only need one (for example). Whenever I come across a b1g1f, I have to spend several minutes deciding whether or not I want the second one.

Will I use it?
You might not. It could just go to waste.
Then again, it's "free" isn't it? I'd be a sucker if I left it here.
Not if you're just going to throw it away, you consumer whore.

My internal monologue is kinda mean.

Wake the - expletive deleted - up!

2007-06-05T23:10:00.000-04:00

Since TinRoof is off in Italy with a friend, my evenings have been a bit quiet. So tonight I've decided to finally blog about our camping trip. I figure this way I won't be distracted by blogging whilst at work tomorrow.

Our caravan left Friday night from CVille around 7pm. The crew consisted of TR and I, Marina, Rojas and his roommates and ex-roommates. (Rojas is a friend from NU days - as well as former roommate of mine). The drive was supposed to take 2 and a half hours and bring us into West Virginia. All was going smoothly until shortly after we crossed the state line. About 5 or 10 miles into WV, we came upon a backup. As most people's cars were already turned off, we decided to stretch our legs and to investigate what the hold up was. The rumor going around was that a forest fire was blocking the road ahead. I'm still not sure that I buy this, but who knows. And yet, it was also impossible to tell how far the backup stretched as it was wound around the mountains. We decided to trek down and attempt to gain a visual. But on the way we ran into someone returning from a similar journey who advised we turn back as he'd walked at least a mile with no end to the backup in sight.

Finally we decide to turn the caravan around and attempt another route into WV. TinRoof, being a transportation guru, charted our course and our car led the charge. After heading East and crossing back into VA, then South for a bit, we once again drove West towards WV. A few miles from the border, the road began to narrow. Eventually the centerline ceased to exist. All the while the roadside vegetation grew taller and wilder. The road began to ascend up and around a mountain. Although I was admittedly nervous, I remained calm(ish). That is, until the road reduced to a single lane. Yet we pressed on. TinRoof remained confident the road would lead us to WV. Instead, it led us somewhere none of us expected. To a dead end at the top of a mountain. Not just any mountain either. We later discovered this was Reddish Knob. The 2nd highest peak in Virginia. Bear in mind it was around 11:30 at this point. So we did as you might expect. We set up camp.

After a cozy few hours by the fire, the collective decided to turn in. The sky was beautiful and the air was wonderfully cool so sleep came quickly. Unfortunately it was not meant to last. Not long after 5am we were awakened by the sound of a pickup driving up the mountain. After reaching the roundabout, its driver performed a few donuts. I assumed they too had gotten lost or perhaps were just coming up to quietly watch the sunrise. My assumption was shattered by thundering country music and the piercing screeches of several drunken teenage girls.

Woooooo hooooooo!
Wake the f*** up, mother-f***ers!!

I kid you not. Suddenly our entire campsite was awake. Well, except for Sam who inexplicably slept... nay, snored... through the entire ordeal. Now I must admit, the hick, er, gentleman's sound system was actually quite impressive. Terribly loud and crystal clear. And yet as song after song bellowed from the enormous truck (they never let a song play for more than a minute or two), I began plotting these youngsters' demise. The last straw was when they played Cotton-Eye Joe. If somehow it turns out that I have been wrong regarding my choice of religion, I imagine I will find Cotton Eye Joe playing in Hell for all eternity. However as I suggested to some of the other gents that we confront these fools, I was reminded of one key fact I'd forgotten. We were just miles from West Virginia, and these kids are drunk and blasting country music. It doesn't take a rocket scientist (which I am) to figure they probably have guns. So we decided to let them be. Thankfully for us, it was not too much later that they departed. According to one of the girls, she had to be home before 6am because "my daddy wakes up at 6".

In the morning we were greeted with a breathtaking 360 view. We enjoyed our breakfast and I unleashed some of my mad camping skills by introducing biscuits on a stick. (You cook biscuits over the fire on a 5/8th inch dowel rod. Then the biscuit shell is of perfect size to fit a campfire sausage into.) Finally, we packed up and made our way to Seneca Rocks, WV (via the original route which was now clear). The rest of the weekend was much more ideal. We climbed, swam, played catch, roasted anything that was edible, and whittled. Here are a few pictures from the weekend.

TinRoof and I atop Reddish Knob. Not a bad view behind us considering we stumbled on it by accident.
Seneca Rocks. We hiked to the very top.

A couple of us checking out the peak.
The Rojas and I at the observation deck atop Seneca Rocks.

Fat Cats

2007-05-30T10:46:00.000-04:00

I was going to post about our recent camping trip. Then I saw this. A photo gallery of people's "Cubby Pets". This is certainly the strangest yet of MSNBC.com's photo albums. The pictures are disturbing if you ask me. But the reason this gallery is blog-worthy? Check out the ratio of cats to dogs in the album. It's not even close. Of the 60 shots, I counted only 10 dogs. The rest... fat cats. I'm not sure yet whether or not I hate fat cats more than I hate regular sized cats (they're all jerks one way or another), but I think I probably do.

Ok, back to work.

I once was blind

2007-05-29T17:44:00.000-04:00

but that was a long time ago. I've been wearing glasses or contacts since 6th grade.

This morning I attempted to order a year's supply of contacts online. I just received an email saying that my order was placed on hold because my prescription has expired. And suddenly I felt something welling up inside me. A feeling. One that can only be described as... rage. Why on earth do I need a freaking prescription to buy contacts? It's not like they're some kind of drug that I'm going to sell to local teenagers who are looking for a cheap way to get their kicks. Nor am I going to smuggle them to Canada (they probably get them free up there anyway). They're freaking contacts! And if I know what kind I need, why should I be forced to pay an eye doctor money I don't have to tell me what I already know? Perhaps a better question is, why would an optical prescription expire? Oh right, so the eye doctors have a chance to gouge me. What kind of a scam are the optometrists running here? I imagine I could attempt to plead my case with them - that I'm a grad student and therefore have zero expendable income and am quite content with my current prescription. But even in my imagination, I am rebuffed and told to make an appointment and pony up the cash so I can have the delicate genius sign a sheet with the same damn prescription as my current little sheet that is apparently no longer valid.

Ugh. Sorry about that. Stay tuned though. I have tales from the camping trip this weekend.

But now I'm found

2007-05-24T15:44:00.001-04:00

Dear reader,
Did you miss me?
I did.
That is all,
Dr. C

So I realize this has been the slowest patch of blogging since I first began The Musings. Thanks for sticking around. I plan to be fairly bored at work for the rest of... well... until I graduate - so I should have plenty o' time for blogging. For now, I'll just try to catch everyone up.

Two weeks ago TinRoof and I flew to Chicago for the annual Boomshaka show. Most of you are familiar with Boom. But for those of you that land on this blog looking for information about the fate of Judy from Family Matters, Boomshaka is a student performance group at Northwestern University. A simple explanation is they're a rhythm and dance ensemble. I was in the group for 4 years during my undergrad days. To put it succinctly, I love me some Boomshaka. Annnyhow - the show was fantastic (as usual) and while in town I had the chance to perform with Be The Groove - a professional/alumni spin off of Boomshaka (videos coming soon). It felt pretty good to get back in the groove again. It had been too long.

We spent the rest of the weekend hanging out with The Expert (not you, Nodnarb) and his wife Emba (I can't believe how long I just sat here trying to think of a good nickname for her... and clearly I failed). Hung out in Evanston and Chicago. Saw a White Sox game on Sunday. They got slaughtered by the Royals. Yes, you read right. Ate delicious food. Went to the Lincoln Park Zoo, Navy Pier, etc. All good things.

Tuesday we took the train down to StL. TinRoof could only stay a day and a half as she had to return to CVille for graduation; though thankfully not before we had a fun evening with the family. FYI: Homemade wine makes dinner time fun. I stuck around through the weekend for Arbusta (my baby sister)'s wedding. It was a very beautiful day. And everything went off without a hitch (er... with one hitch). Well, aside from their exit music starting to play way too soon. That may be the funniest communion I've ever witnessed.

And now I'm back. Back to the grind of research - with the important exception that there are no longer classes or TA-ing to distract me. And it'll be like this for about a year. I'm still hoping to defend in early February of '08. After that, who knows. Maybe I'll be able to find a sugar momma to buy me one of those fancy places in Lincoln Park.

This weekend we're off to Seneca Rocks to do some camping with Rojas and his crew.

Oh and by the way, the packaging for Orbit gum really sucks. What's the deal with that? It's like I'm trying to pull out Excalibur or something. All I want is a stick of gum.

One time, OK, see, one time (part 5)

2007-05-23T12:50:00.000-04:00

OK, so what happened is one time Randy Beaman went on a trip with his dad and they picked up a lady who wanted a ride home, and this was in Kansas, and she sat in the back seat and when they got where she wanted to go they turned around and she was gone!

And Randy Beaman's dad talked to the man who lived there and told him what the lady looked like and the man said, "Oh, that's my wife, but she died four years ago."

Spooky, huh?
'K, bye.

Final Final

2007-05-07T17:01:00.000-04:00

Over the next two days I will take the final finals of my academic career (not counting my dissertation defense as a final as it is surely much much worse). I am not sure how I should view these occasions. Perhaps I should be working extra hard. Did I come all this way to give up on the final finals? Shouldn't I go out with a bang and smoke my last two academic exams? Then again, I've also been at this game so long that I don't care much for "grades" any more. To be honest I don't care much about the two classes I took this semester either. They were moderately interesting and I like both of the professors; but I am quite indifferent on the subject matter and particularly on the prospect of my attempting to master any of said matter. I've learned enough to know that most things I learn will be forgotten within a fortnight. Thus, here am I blogging with my Chemical Reaction Engineering notes as a prop under my right forearm and my Nonequilibrium Gas Dynamics text book under the left. Isn't it ironic? A little too ironic? You tell me Alanis, you seem to be the expert.

Tech Support

2007-05-04T14:27:00.000-04:00

To be clear - I did not write this. I actually don't know who did as I received it as an email forward. But its hilarity is sure.

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 . I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities, such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Video Games 7.5, and Softball 3.6

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my other favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 .

Please help!

Thanks,

Troubled User.....

_____________________

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men often complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge, the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 ! manual under Warnings: Alimony-Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application Yes Dear 2.7 to alleviate your program problems.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance! Wife 1.0 does come with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2

However, be very careful how you use these programs . Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

If I were a rich man

2007-05-01T08:42:00.000-04:00

This morning the radio woke me up to an announcement of the Virginia Millionaire Raffle. It's basically like the lottery only there are not as many tickets being made. But help me do the math... the guy exclaims, "Three grand prizes of a million dollars! Less than 200,000 tickets will be sold!" But ten seconds later I hear the quiet, fast-paced addendum: "Actual chances of winning 1:110,000". Doesn't that mean that there must be at least 330,000 tickets printed?

In other news, a couple of weeks ago my jazz combo here at UVA had a spring recital. TinRoof used her trusty digital camera to get my two vocal tunes on video. And as I'm recently addicted to YouTube, I've posted them. Enjoy...

There Will Never Be Another You

Nature Boy

Hat O' Shame

2007-04-27T09:55:00.000-04:00

The Cards are playing the Cubs this weekend. Should be good times as always. I just hope we can slaughter them :-) Maybe having them in StL will turn around our recent misfortunes playing at home. And yes... I do refer to the Cardinals as we or us. I am fully aware that I am not on the team. Deal with it.

P.S. You're going to have to click on it to be able to read it fully.

Pearls Before Breakfast

2007-04-25T11:47:00.000-04:00

What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.
-- from "Leisure," by W.H. Davies

Some of you may have already caught wind of this story - others perhaps not. But as I've finally finished reading the entire article (it's admittedly kind of long), I felt I had to share it with you all. A few weeks ago the Washington Post ran an article about an experiment they conducted in which one of the world's most renowned classical musicians (Joshua Bell) performed in disguise at a Metro station in Washington, D.C.

The idea was to see how many people - despite being busy and on their way to work - would recognize the high quality of the music they were hearing. Would they be willing to take a few moments from their day to appreciate truly beautiful art? Or would they walk by oblivious to what they were missing?

I'm sad to say, the latter scenario is what unfolded. Over the course of 45 minutes, more than 1000 people passed by indifferent - perhaps even intentionally ignoring. Only a handful of people so much as looked his way - let alone stopped and listened. The article is truly fascinating, if sad. I'd like to think I would have been the kind of person who would stop. But then again I'm also not the kind of person who would ever live in D.C.

Don't worry, be... content?

2007-04-24T10:34:00.000-04:00

Last week was a terribly quotable week for me. For example, the department seminar speaker regaled a story about talking with some governmental types about the future of aerospace design. He sat there listening as they belabored the idea of attempting to replicate designs seen in nature. Finally, he stood up and said, "The thing is, I've never seen - in nature - a bird with a 20 foot wing-span flying at Mach 1.2!"

But the best quotes of all - of which there are too many to count - came from the mouth of Bobby McFerrin. I was fortunate to sit in on a masterclass he gave to singers on campus this past week. It was absolutely unreal. I've never heard anyone do the things he can do with his voice. My jaw was on the floor the entire time. I had hoped to share some footage from his visit - but the person who promised to email me the video has yet to do so.

Aside from his sheer talent, his approach to performing really struck a chord with me. Bobby is about as un-pretentious as they come. He sees no distinction between the stage and life. No line. No difference between who he is off stage and who he is on. Rather, he's just there fulfilling his purpose. He spoke at length on the subject and I know I am probably mangling it, but the one quote of his I did write down was this:

"When I perform, my audience is One, and that's God."
- Bobby McFerrin

A moment of Blog silence

2007-04-18T16:57:00.000-04:00

I intended to post earlier this week. But somehow I haven't been able to find the words.

Should I post about how UVA has reacted to the tragedy at Tech? After all, Tech is just a couple hours down the road. Many of us - myself included - have friends who go there. It's impossible to not feel the immense impact this has had at UVA - even on the grad student population. It's incredible to think how easily it could have happened here instead of there.

Should I post an engineering-oriented comedic rant about the inefficiency of straws and dedicate it to the victims? Perhaps they would have found it funny.

Should I post about how once again I am faced with the question of why the second amendment is so damned important to people in modern America? I can see how the right to own a firearm was necessary back in the days of the founding fathers. It's probably much easier to shoot your dinner with a rifle than with a bow and arrow (or worse yet, catch it with some clever rope-snare). But what on earth do we need them for now? Oh right, fun - and protection I guess. The Expert has said he wants to own one in case he is ever robbed. I'm not saying it couldn't happen, but I've been on this earth for 25 years and yet to have my home broken into. Personally, I'd feel much safer if the police were the only ones with the guns. I'll defend my home with a baseball bat and an imitation Albert Pujols swing.

In the end, nothing I can say will be appropriate. Nothing a fitting enough tribute to honor these lives. I hope each of you has taken the time to read the short bios of the victims. I've found I can only read a few at a time. And finally, since all I have been able to write is that I'm not sure what to write, I'll quote the only source I know that can offer peace amidst such agony.

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
Psalms 42:5

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalms 34:18

Up Off Ya Feet

2007-04-13T02:49:00.000-04:00

The long wait has ended. For your viewing pleasure, the world premier of the new Boomshaka concept piece: Up Off Ya Feet.

And for those of you who would like to see more of what I got to do that eventful week in Houston, here's a video I spent way too much time editing this past week.

Baseball Picks 2007

2007-04-11T16:05:00.000-04:00

Alright boyos, you asked for it - now ye shall receive it. In honor of the Cardinals' fourth straight win, I've decided to go ahead and post my picks for the season. I've sat by too long as Bourbon and McJew have touted their picks. Brownsox has made his opinions known even if he hasn't posted official picks. And Dubs seems to be too busy ranting about musicals and his own complicated (albeit hilarious) version of Christianity known as Catholicism to take time to stand up for the men who wear the birds on the bat. But no more. I am here to champion the cause of the defending World Series Champions - since the rest of the world will find any plausible excuse to write them off. My only disclaimer: I no longer play fantasy baseball as I've realized the time I spent doing so in the past was greater than or equal to the time spent on my own research. And research is the thing that will allow me escape this pitiable existence known as graduate school. That being said, I am much less aware of what is going on in other divisions than I used to be. So to some extent, all picks not regarding the NL Central are a crap shoot.

AL East

Red Sox
Blue Jays
Yankees
Orioles
Devil Rays

I have to make surprise predictions somewhere right? So I'm saying the Big Hurt has a big year and somehow the evil empire gets brought down. Basically I just wanted to hate on the Yankees so I picked them 3rd - even if it's not likely.

AL Central

Tigers
Indians
Twins
White Sox
Royals

I really wanted to put the Indians on top but I just couldn't do it. Maybe next year.

AL West

Angels
Athletics
Mariners
Rangers

Most of you know I love hating on the Cubs above all other teams. Want proof? I put the Rangers last solely because they've got Sammy playing for them now. Wait - are we supposed to predict what will happen? or what we want to happen? Ah, screw it.

NL East

Mets
Phillies
Braves
Marlins
Nationals

You have to hand it to them, the Mets are a pretty solid team. Witness the beating the Cards took to open the season. (I think they'd still trade that series for a trip to last year's Fall Classic though...suck it Beltran!) And I know the Phillies have started off rough, but I think they'll turn it around.

NL Central

Cardinals
Brewers
Reds
Cubs
Astros
Pirates

Ok, so I agree with everyone that this division will be close once again this year. Neglecting the Pirates (a fair assumption) I'm betting around 8 games between 1-5. It's gonna be a wild one. But come on - the Brew Crew, while lovable, is not ready to take down the Cards. And I reject the theory that the division will be close because every team is mediocre. Sure these teams have holes, every team in baseball does. It drives me nuts that the NL Central gets so little respect. Never mind the fact that the 2 central divisions have supplied 5 of the last 6 WS teams. I think it boils down to three simple, perhaps controversial words: East Coast Bias. That's right, I said it. I'm a firm believer. The freakin media loves to play to the coasts. But if something exciting is going on in the Midwest they're like, let the AM radio stations cover it. I'm going to stop myself now in the interest of time.

NL West

Padres
Dodgers
Rockies
Giants
Diamondbacks

Does anyone else wish Barry would just hit 20 home runs over the next 6 games so that the record - hallowed though it be - is *broken* already and we can proceed to ignore Bonds for the rest of our lives?

Picture Time

2007-04-05T10:13:00.000-04:00

This week I have had problems getting out of bed and out of the house on time. Each day a new distraction has presented itself to keep me from getting to work at a decent hour. Could it be because my advisor is out of town? Possibly. The point being - today I finally got a peek at the pictures from the Zero G flights a couple weeks ago. I couldn't wait to download them to my computer and post a few for you all. (NU boys - you'll have to tarry for my MLB picks. But rest assured, I plan to stick up for my boys despite their manhandling by the Mets.) Click on the pictures to see larger versions.

Charlie and I working on the experimental rig during our first flight.

Arthur, Charlie, and I watching as Charlie fires the laser.

Riding that great Space Pony in the sky.... or something like that.

Taking a break to float a little during runs of the experiment. Check out the dame on the right. Who the heck is she? I have no clue.

This may prove to be one of my favorite pictures. I love the fact that I'm completely sideways in the shot.

Arthur filming the cameraman is apparently driving me up a wall.

Chuck is working hard as Arthur and I goof off.

By our fourth day of flying, zero g was a very zen experience.

Why do these girls look so good in the summer?

2007-04-02T14:46:00.000-04:00

I've long held the belief that human beings are at their attractiveness prime during the college age years. It seems like the majority of us have developed to adult form by this time and yet - depending on how badly the freshman-15 hits us - we are generally in better shape now than we will be as we age. Incidentally, at UVA they call freshman "first years" so does that translate to the first-year-15? Anyway, you might say we're at our physical peak. Or at least approaching it. After all, it's fairly well documented that a baseball player reaches his prime around his mid to late twenties (I can't wait to see what Pujols is going to do these next few years). Still, I can't help but wonder if this is all perspective. When I was in grade school I had a crush on many a young lass. But looking at girls of that age now, they clearly appear as children to me - and thus not attractive physically. At each age, I've always been attracted to the people in my age range. But I must admit, there are not too many 40 or 50 year olds that I have the hots for. Will this change? In another decade will I look at the 20 something crowd and think of them as children? even though they're technically adults? I suppose one way to find out would be to go around asking a bunch of older women if they find me attractive. One would think a young strapping lad like myself would have his share of admirers. But perhaps not. Perhaps they'll say to me - young man you have no grey in your beard!

Feet down, coming out

2007-03-26T17:13:00.000-04:00

That's what they would yell at us at the end of each parabola. Basically it let us know that we would be experiencing Gs in a few seconds and we had better get our feet on the ground; otherwise we'd be slammed down wherever we were floating. Honestly though, my feet still have yet to touch the ground.

I made it back to CVille late Saturday night after two looong days of driving. I still can't quite get a handle on what I've just gotten to do. This was an experience I'll be telling my grandkids about. Of course by then they'll be like, "So what, Old Man? I was weightless in the hover-bus on my way to school this morning!" What I'm trying to say is that this was a truly incredible experience - one that I'm having trouble putting into words (let alone humorous, entertaining words). I think I will have to let the pictures and videos speak for themselves (once I get a hold of them). I can tell you some of the specifics though. For example, here's a typical reduced gravity trajectory...
This picture shows one parabola. At the top of each parabola we'd get about 25 seconds of weightlessness. Over four days of flying we did exactly 200 parabolas. (For those doing the math... that's about an hour and 20 minutes of 0-g.) Also, you might have noticed that between each parabola (we'd usually do 10-12 in a row) we would rise and fall about 10,000 feet. I flipped when I realized that this is nearly 2 miles! Imagine a roller coaster with a 2-mile vertical drop and that's about what this was like.

I'm sure I'll have more to say on this later - but for now I've got to get some more work done before dinner. I'm supremely behind after having been out of town all week. Ah well, who cares.

By the by - for those of you wondering - I did not get sick once on the Vomit Comet.

A new perspective

2007-03-21T21:20:00.000-04:00

I did two backflips today.
I am awesome.

I'm still fat in weightlessness

2007-03-20T23:23:00.000-04:00

Zero G is awesome.
Very much really awesome.
I don't think I'll ever be satisfied with 1G again.

Manic Monday

2007-03-20T00:12:00.000-04:00

Well we arrived safely in Houston Sunday night. Today the real work began. We spent the whole day at Johnson Space Center loading our equipment onto the plane, bolting it down, connecting power cables, gas regulators, etc. It was a mighty long day. Still, everything went as well as could be expected. The experiment seems to have survived its 1300 mile ride (not to mention my advisor's 95mph "driving"). The laser didn't even require too much alignment. The only hiccup of the day revealed itself at about 4:30 when the NASA jokers finally decided to bring to our attention that 2 of the 3 of us are currently inelligible to fly. It seems my advisor didn't do some of the paper work. So we faxed some papers and are waiting for them to get signed and approved before the flight in the morning. If that doesn't happen I'll have to wait another day to experience 0-g. Easily the strangest sight of the day was the NASA Super Guppy. In closing, it's fantastic to be able to get some authentic Mexican food for a change. Tomorrow.... weightlessness!

I'm still going

2007-03-18T00:36:00.000-04:00

Sorry for keeping ya'll in the dark and for not posting. To sum up. Not only was I sick this week - I had the flu. Still probably have it. Thankfully I have a girlfriend who loves me and takes good care of me. Also, I am currently in a hotel room with my advisor in Birmingham, AL. We are on our way to Houston (along with two undergrads...don't worry, I'm treating them nicely) to do microgravity combustion experiments. It's been an exhausting few days. I am about to pass out so I will bring this to a close. Hopefully this week I'll post some tidbits about the flights. They should be a blast (if I don't puke).

One time, OK, see, one time (part 4)

2007-03-16T09:42:00.000-04:00

One time, OK, see, one time Randy Beaman's little brother ate Pop Rocks and drank a soda at the same time and his head exploded!

'K, bye.

Happy Pi Day

2007-03-14T14:59:00.000-04:00

Happy pi day everyone. I hope you all remembered to mark this occasion in a creative way. Perhaps a pi-mile run? Unfortunately I'm battling being sick...again. So I don't have much brain power to use in a post. However in honor of this glorious day, check this video out (ps. understanding it might require some form of illicit drugs).

The Middle is the Goal

2007-03-09T12:26:00.000-05:00

Lots of news in the past couple days. Our 0-g flights appear to be a go. I took part in my friend's sleep study (and got less than 2 hours of sleep the whole friggin night). And probably other stuff. But today I've decided to share with you the long ago promised college entrance essay which I wrote some 7 years ago. Oh, and it's about cinnamon rolls. (Make fun of me all you want... I got in didn't I?)

Question: How do you plan to adapt to the challenge of college life?

There are rules when eating a cinnamon roll. These rules may or may not be obvious to someone depending on whether or not he has ever pondered the technique involved in savoring this pastry. The most important rule to eating a cinnamon roll properly is always to work from the outside of the roll to the center. When I remind people of this order, I am often met with looks as if I’ve just told them the world is round. “Of course that’s how you eat a cinnamon roll! How else would anyone eat it?” they say. Believe it or not, some choose to break this vital, unwritten law.

Perhaps the method of eating a cinnamon roll seems unimportant. Unbeknownst to most, however, is that this method can be applied to everyday life. The center of the roll is undoubtedly the favorite part to those who enjoy cinnamon rolls. Therefore, it should be looked upon as the goal of its consumer. Truly, without first eating the outer rings of the roll, a person can not fully appreciate the center of his pastry. Basically, the cinnamon roll rule is this: take time with everything to enjoy fully the benefits of success.

If the engineers of the space shuttle Challenger had spent more time inspecting the hydrogen tanks, perhaps someone could have discovered the o-ring defect responsible for the deaths of eight Americans. If the navigators aboard the Titanic had paid more attention to their course, perhaps someone could have spotted the iceberg in time to steer the ship clear of danger. Similarly, when a student makes the decision not to study for a test he has the next morning and later receives a D, he has only himself to blame. The theory obtained from the cinnamon roll clearly applies. When a task is important, whether it is inspecting a shuttle, charting a ship route, or studying for a test, it will always prove worthwhile to spend the extra time required to get the job done correctly. The center of your cinnamon roll will taste much better because of it.

Eating a cinnamon roll from the outside to the middle is not only the best way to eat breakfast, although I enjoy cinnamon rolls during any part of the day, but also the best way to live life. Still, some people choose a different path. One of those paths is to eat only the middle of the cinnamon roll. As in the examples of the Challenger and the Titanic, following this path can lead to disaster. Someone who eats his cinnamon roll in this manner is a person who rushes into things and pays no attention to detail. Just as the child who, when his mother tells him to clean his room, stuffs his dirty clothes underneath his bed, he merely does the bare minimum amount of work.

Another variance of an incorrect way to eat a cinnamon roll is to leave the middle. This too has its consequences. Leaving the middle of the roll means a person has done all the work of eating the outside of the roll for nothing. Like turning a movie off just before its climactic ending, eating in this fashion leaves things incomplete. I, however, have always been one for completing any job I begin. Whether it be studying for a test, practicing for a theater or musical audition, eating a cinnamon roll, or choosing a college, time and experience have taught me to give my all and do my best in everything I hope to achieve. After all, I’ve always been told that anything worth doing is worth doing right. I can only assume that that includes eating cinnamon rolls.

I have no idea what awaits me during and following college. I do, however, know I will encounter my share of hurdles to jump and bridges to cross. In situations such as these, a person has to draw knowledge and perseverance from everything he has ever been taught about life. The abilities of being flexible, adaptable, and versatile in any situation are important in a person’s character. Sometimes the outside layers of a cinnamon roll are too hard or have been baked too long. When faced with this adversity, I do not despair; I know the solution. Dip those layers in milk or coffee or even use a microwave to heat them to softness. In other words, make the best of what may not appear to be an ideal situation. No matter what, keep working around the rings of the cinnamon roll.

I suspect college is like a cinnamon roll. A student has four and sometimes five years of grueling studying and learning. The goal and center of this cinnamon roll is receiving a degree as a reward for years of hard work, using that degree to get a job, and thus beginning life as an adult. As I have already demonstrated, patience and dedication are excellent virtues for this endeavor. College may be hard work, but it has infinite benefits to those who apply themselves and eat their “cinnamon rolls” properly.

Physiological Training (Episode 3)

2007-03-05T17:24:00.000-05:00

Our final chamber test involved experiencing rapid decompression. Imagine for a moment you are flying on an airplane at 15000 feet (lower than most commercial planes actually fly). Since it's imaginary, I'd recommend avoiding Jet Blue. Perhaps imagine British Airways, I hear they're nice. The cabin is pressurized to a comfortable 500 feet. Suddenly, there are snakes everywhere... I mean... suddenly someone opens a window because they're an idiot (never mind asking who built a plane with windows that open - I'm sure it wasn't an American company) and cabin pressurization is instantly lost. Essentially that's what happened; except that since we were on the ground, they achieved this by pressurizing two different chambers at the altitudes mentioned above and unexpectedly blowing the door in between the chambers.

A couple fun facts regarding rapid decompression:

Everything that I've previously described for higher altitudes occurs just the same... just... rapidly. (for example, it gets super cold super quick)
Due to the sudden drop in temperature, the water in the air condenses into a fog cloud in the room, which then rushes out in a gust of air.
After the initial gust of equilibration, there is no continual sucking. Movies that show people clinging for dear life are inaccurate.
Rapid decompression cuts your TUC in half. Therefore - if you're flying at 35K feet and experience this - you've got about 15 seconds before you're an idiot (if you aren't one already). Good luck with that.

Good times. It was also at this point in the training we learned the term gangload. It seems that in such a scenario, you want to gangload your regulator before putting on your oxygen mask. To make things simple for ya'll - gangload means "flip all three switches up". Another moment in which I found humor and the air force guys found none.

Having reached the end of the chamber portion of my tale, enjoy this really old school video of some hypoxia demonstrations and rapid decompressions. Although this is an ancient clip, it isn't entirely dissimilar to what we experienced...

The 2nd day of our training was much shorter and spent entirely in the classroom. We got to learn some interesting things regarding night vision, but my favorite section was on G-LOC. G-LOC stands for gravitational loss of consciousness. Essentially it means that a pilot is pulling so many Gs that all the blood rushes to his feet and he blacks out. Here again we got to see a video montage of fighter pilots in a centrifuge G-LOCing. The weird part is the recovery. You can almost see the blood return to their upper body, extremities, and head. And they always feel just fine after. Still, there are ways to combat G-LOC including the G-strain maneuver. Basically it involves a lot of muscle tension and unnatural breathing to resist your blood's exodus to your feet. We saw videos of pilots using such techniques to pull up to 9 Gs for 30 seconds at a time. Wild, wild stuff.

Here's another old school clip of what I mean. Be sure to check out the second guy. He gets up to 9 Gs and carries on a conversation at the same time.

Well, that about wraps things up. As you can tell, it was a full 2 days. Hopefully, more adventure posts will be coming soon. This Wednesday night I'll be doing a sleep study - so maybe I can post my brain wave patterns or something. And in 2 weeks, we're scheduled to take a ride on the Vomit Comet. In the meantime, what say we get back to talking about cinnamon rolls.

Physiological Training (Episode 2)

2007-03-01T10:02:00.000-05:00

Sorry it's taken so long to get the second installment out (btw - this will be a trilogy). But at least it hasn't been as long as we've waited for January Madness stories (if they exist).

After peaking at 35000 feet, we descended down to 25000. At this altitude it's still very cold. And a person's time of useful consciousness (TUC) is on average between 3 and 5 minutes. So I was understandably a little nervous when they instructed us to take off our oxygen masks. The idea was to be without O2 for long enough to experience and recognize our personal hypoxia symptoms. They also split us into two groups (one on each side of the chamber) so that we could objectively observe the symptoms of hypoxia in others.

They also gave us a worksheet which we were to do as hypoxia began its onset. I've scanned mine and posted it here. I find it quite hilarious. Quantum especially will enjoy noting that I only completed three of the five math problems. The fact that I couldn't do math (and got horribly lost in the worksheet maze) was probably my first clue that I was hypoxic. But I also experienced this crazy tingling all over my body - and not the good kind. So finally - after 5 and a half minutes without oxygen - I put my mask back on. I would point out that I was the last to do so in my group - but it wasn't a contest. But if it had been, I'd have won.

After recovering (which takes only about 20 seconds when breathing 100% oxygen), we got to sit back and watch the guys on the other side of the chamber do the same stunt. The guy across from me got so light urple and blue that he reminded me of Violet Beuregarde (from Willy Wonka). The guy next to him though was the only one of the lot of us who passed his TUC before putting his mask back on. Since he didn't pass out or die or anything, I think I'm allowed to say that it was kind of awesome. I had noticed he quit working on his sheet awhile ago. Then I saw his hand start to spasm. Soon his arm began to shake. At this point, the flight commander had noticed and - I might add - took the time to point out to all of us what was going on. By the time the commander put the man's mask on for him, the guy's whole upper body was rocking out. Twenty seconds later, he felt fine, but didn't remember a single thing.

After everyone had had a chance to recover, we began our descent to 18000 feet. At this altitude, the average TUC is probably 30 minutes. Once again they asked us to drop our oxygen masks. Further, they dimmed all the lights in the chamber and gave us a chart with some pictures and color wheels and whatnot. The goal here was to notice how our vision degraded over time as a low-grade hypoxia set on. All I can tell you is - a lot. At the end of the demonstration, we put our masks back on, and they brought the lights back up and I saw all sorts of colors and details on the chart that I had totally forgotten were there. My recommendation to you all, do not operate heavy machinery (or fly any form of aircraft - including fighter jets) while hypoxic.

On the startling conclusion of Physiological Training - rapid decompression and the definition of the term Gangload.

Physiological Training (Episode 1)

2007-02-23T16:30:00.000-05:00

So much to tell; infinite blogspace to tell it in. The high altitude physiological training at Andrews AFB this week was a blast. I learned a lot and had fun (despite being scared as well). Class began at 7 am Monday morning. Primarily we learned about hypoxia. Hypoxia is essentially an oxygen deficiency to your blood and brain. It can cause many symptoms which can differ from person to person and can lead to loss of consciousness and ultimately death. Now, at high altitudes pressure decreases. Therefore, with each breath you are actually taking in less oxygen than at normal pressure - this causes hypoxia. The idea behind our training was to allow us to learn about hypoxia and recognize the situations and symptoms which could lead to its onset. We also learned how to avert its dangers (so as not to die).

One of the main concepts we learned during the morning classes was the "time of useful consciousness" or TUC. When someone passes their TUC, they do not immediately pass out; rather, they becomes unresponsive and basically... useless. Also, they get a big stupid grin on their face. Since at higher altitudes there is less oxygen in each breath you take, a person's TUC decreases as elevation increases. At 35000 feet for example - where most commercial planes fly - the average time of useful consciousness is 30-60 seconds. Thank God for cabin pressurization! At 25000 ft. the average TUC is 3-5 minutes. Keep in mind: this is the altitude at which they had us take our oxygen masks off. But we'll get to that later.

Easily the most entertaining part of the class came when we got to watch videos of people (in a controlled environment) going hypoxic and passing their TUC. My favorite video was of a hypoxic man who had been given a deck of cards which he was to look at, show, and name one at a time. The exchange went something like this...

[Man shows 4 of clubs]
Man: 4 of spades.
Flight Doc: Look at that one again. Are you sure?
[Man looks again and shows]
Man: 4 of spades.
[Man puts down card and draws 8 of hearts]
Man: 4 of spades.
[Man puts down card and does not draw a new one, but displays an empty hand as though he were holding a card.]
Man: 4 of spades.
Flight Doc: Sir, can you describe what you're feeling?
Man: 4 of spades.

I absolutely lost it while watching this video. Of course, I felt slightly like a schmuck because none of the air force guys in the training were laughing - but whatever. Unfortunately there are no hypoxia videos quite this funny on YouTube.

After lunch the real fun began. We entered the chamber. After checking our oxygen equipment and pre-breathing oxygen for a half-hour (so as to avoid the bends) we began our ascent up to 35000 feet. Along the way, I learned a couple of things. First of all, remember all that pV = nRT nonsense you learned in high school chem? Definitely true. For one thing, as pressure decreases (which it did greatly during ascent) temperature decreases. By the time we got to 35K feet, I was freezing my nips off. The other crazy thing is that as pressure decreases, volume increases. Now before you go thinking I'm a dork for telling you all this, think for a moment about the gas contained in your stomach and bowels. As you go from sea level to 35000 feet, that gas expands like crazy. So, needless to say, there are absolutely no social graces in the altitude chamber when it comes to flatulence. And I absolutely will not admit that I had Taco Bell for lunch that day. Thankfully we couldn't hear or smell a thing.
Here's probably the weirdest thing that happened on our way up: when a person goes above roughly 26000 feet, their breathing cycle reverses. Allow me to explain. Currently, when you breath, you have to actively (even if practically subconsciously) take a breath in, but the breath out happens passively as a reaction to the fact that you have full lungs. Above a certain altitude though, the reverse is the case. At this point, air is forced into your lungs with no effort whatsoever and you have to forcefully exhale. (Did I make sense?) It was so freaky. It took me a while to get the hang of it actually and I think I started to hyperventilate a bit.

On the next episode of Physiological Training, descent to 25,000 feet and the dropping of the oxygen masks. Stay tuned.

I will survive

2007-02-19T16:42:00.000-05:00

Well, I survived my first X-treme activity of the week. Skiing was fantastic. I'm even getting pretty good at skiing backwards. Now I can't help but wish I were skiing everywhere I went. It would be fun... and no CO2 emissions!

Next up - physiological training at Andrews AFB. 2 days of God knows what is before me. I only hope I don't die - and if possible - that I don't pass out. Feel free to pray for me. I'll keep you up to date if I have access to a computer - otherwise, check back on Thursday.

Continuing with my discussion of cinnamon rolls... I once came up with a really great idea for a new culinary invention: fortune rolls. The deliciousness of a cinnamon roll with the wisdom of a fortune cookie. Think about it. Fortune cookies are not the tastiest treat of the...trove? (alliteration is hard) They're too crunchy and not delicious enough to be a proper desert or snack. They are primarily loved for their tokens of wisdom such as "A new business venture will bring you great success [in bed]." Therefore, why not incorporate this wisdom into a more delectable desert? Before I get logistical questions from the peanut gallery, let me answer the obvious: first you cook the roll as normal, then you place a cylindrical plastic vile containing the fortune in the center of the roll. The location of the fortune is also terribly important and metaphorical and all that - which I have already promised to expand upon soon.

A slippery slope to insanity

2007-02-15T11:13:00.000-05:00

Good lord it's been a crazy week. And the madness will only spill into next week as well. Allow me to back this thang up...

This past weekend, TinRoof's parents came to town. Good times were had by all. Much delicious food was eaten. Two most excellent performances were seen. (Though, by the by, avoid the first quarto of Hamlet - in comparison with the traditional folio, the language is horribly clumsy. I mean, To be or not to be, that is the point?!?!) Needless to say, I didn't accomplish much else this weekend (not that I'm complaining).

Monday was my birthday - as you might have known. My present to myself was to sleep in later than I should have. After that it was class and then attempted research, meaning every time I started to get work done, another friend would call to say Happy Birthday and want to catch up for awhile. (PS. Many thanks for all the calls and well wishes.) Finally the phone died down and I once again began to work... and then the building's fire alarm went off. I couldn't freaking believe it. Eventually I gave up and headed to dinner, bible study, and drinks.

Tuesday occurred.

Yesterday was Valentines Day. To avert the risk of enraging the anti-v-day masses, I'll simply say it was a wonderful day with an amazing woman (despite the fact that I was required to hold office hours from 4-6 and again from 7-9. Hey undergrads, have I told you lately that I hate you?)

That brings us up to date. Part of the reason I've been so busy in the week thus far is because of what lies ahead. This weekend we're off to Snowshoe Mountain for some skiing. I am ridiculously excited. I love skiing. Then I will be spending the early part of next week in DC at Andrews Air Force Base for some kind of physiological training. From what I can tell, it's going to be me and a bunch of air force pilots in an oxygen chamber. I'll be sure to post details after it all goes down - assuming I don't die.

I suddenly have the urge to once again provide you with a pointless view about something completely random - after all, what are blogs for? So let me just say this - there are rules to eating a cinnamon roll. In fact in high school a friend and I fully developed the theory of cinnamon rolls. I even wrote my college entrance essay to this end. One day soon I'll post that essay and we can discuss why cinnamon rolls are awesome.

One time, OK, see, one time (part 3)

2007-02-13T13:23:00.000-05:00

OK, so, one time Randy Beaman's cat ate this fish from the fish tank but the fish was a piranha, it lived inside the cat forever, and the cat became Piranha Cat.

'K, bye.

Happy Birthday to ME

2007-02-12T00:41:00.000-05:00

Dr. Church is 25 today!

Night Dreamer

2007-02-08T12:30:00.000-05:00

To die, to sleep...
To sleep, perchance to dream; ay, there's the rub!
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil
Must give us pause.

Thank God I don't have dreams like that. Then again, I'm also not dead. My point is: some dreams are scary and therefore I am glad not to have them. The truth is I rarely dream at all. Now at this point, I am quite sure people are thinking, "That's not true! You dream all the time. You just don't remember the dreams!" Believe me, I've heard that a million times and I still hold fast to my position.

I don't believe you can truly call something a dream if you don't even remember having had it. Do you want to define a dream as subconscious thought? Then fine, if we're alive we're in a state of dreaming. But that's not what people mean when they say, "I had a dream last night." They mean they woke up remembering having dreamt about riding a unicorn through a forest and being chased by Rodney Dangerfield who was throwing jelly beans and ninja stars at them - and when they finally escaped, they found themselves speaking at the UN. Or at the least they mean they woke with a feeling that they had dreamt - but the memory of the dream has escaped them. They do not mean: "Last night my subconscious continued functioning as normal." When I wake, I don't even have a feeling of having dreamt. So why people give me such a hard time when I claim I practically never dream is beyond me.

Now, that being established, there are several advantages and disadvantages to my predicament. On the one hand, as mentioned above, nightmares sound like not much fun. I can't imagine I would care for them. On the other hand, I also don't get a chance to enjoy dreams where I'm flying or making out with a super model while watching TV and enjoying a pastrami sandwich (the most sensual of all the salted cured meats). But the trade off is that when I sleep I feel I'm maximizing my opportunity to rest my brain - which I believe is just as important as resting the body.

Most of the times that I have remembered a dream it's really been more of a thought than a scenario. One time two years ago I woke up convinced the Cardinals had traded Chris Carpenter. I was incredibly distraught. I couldn't understand why we would trade our best pitcher. Then I realized it was just a dream (nightmare) and went back to sleep. Believe it or not I've even had recurring dreams (pretty amazing for a guy who dreams about once every other month). In my recurring dream, I'm in a play and I've just come out on stage when I suddenly realize I have forgotten to learn my lines. I haven't forgotten my lines. I've forgotten to even learn them! So I have to ad lib. It's very stressful. One time I had this dream two nights in a row. The funny thing was that in the second dream, it was now the second night of performances and I came out on stage only to have the same realization as the previous night. But this time it was far worse in that I couldn't understand why, after the previous night, I hadn't remembered to take the time that day to learn my stinking lines! I'm not really sure what causes this particular dream to crop up in my life from time to time - but I'd be anxious to hear ya'll's thoughts.

In closing - I have agreed to help a fellow grad student with his research by volunteering for a sleep study. It should be quite fascinating. I'll get to see a printout of my heart rate and brain waves and eye movement and all that. Perhaps it will shed some light on my lack of dreaming (as I define dreaming). Then I'll have scientific evidence that I am not a Night Dreamer.

In my day

2007-02-07T11:03:00.000-05:00

...we had to walk to school barefoot in the snow. Uphill. Both ways.

We got a couple inches last night. I love it. Of course, I would also love to stay at home and watch a movie or read under a blanket. But no can do - I'm a grad student...

Light-Urple Rain

2007-02-05T15:46:00.000-05:00

Admittedly I don't have much time for a long post right now. I have some homework due tomorrow that I have yet to begin...etc. etc. However, I feel I would be remiss if I didn't offer at least one comment on last night's "Super" Bowl. Now I could talk to you about the commercialization of the game and how much of a disgusting spectacle it has become. Or I could talk about how the game itself was fairly dull and the commercials were lacking. (After all, when a performance Prince is the highlight of the event, you know it's been a slow day.) And believe me I was happy to see the Colts win. TinRoof was happy. Tony Dungy was happy. And Peyton can finally tell Tom Brady to suck it. Or I could talk about how much fun it was to watch the game in HD (have I ever told ya'll that my TV is awesome?). But at the end of the day, this year's Super Bowl just served as further proof that baseball is better than football.

Let me be more specific. Colts players followed tradition by dousing a cooler of Gatorade on Tony Dungy to celebrate the win. Well perhaps I was the only one who noticed but... the freaking game wasn't over yet!! This kind of thing would never happen in baseball. In baseball, the game is not over until the last out has been called. It helps build what we like to call "tension". Even multiple-run leads that seem insurmountable can be... mounted. All you need is one out and a rally-cap. I've seen the Cardinals come back from as many as 8 runs in the bottom of the ninth before. And while I'm not saying football is never exciting and down to the wire (see the Colts' win over the Pats) it isn't even built to be so consistently.

Yikes. I gotta go.

Happy Groundhog Day

2007-02-02T11:14:00.000-05:00

The little bugger didn't see his shadow. Can I get an amen? Short winter this year. Don't worry though, I'm sure it's totally unrelated to global warming. (By the by, did anyone else notice that Al Gore was recently nominated for a Nobel Prize?) In honor of my fellow shut-in, Punxsutawney Phil (he lives in a stump, I a windowless office), here are some lists about grad school...

Things I Don't Like About Grad School

A1. Office hours (see B5)
A2. An office with no windows (see B4)
A3. Research (see B1)
A4. Classes (see B2)
A5. Being underpaid (see B3)

Things I Do Like About Grad School

B1. Professors with Scottish accents (see A4)
B2. Irrational disdain for undergraduates (see A1)
B3. Coming in to work at 11 (see A2)
B4. "Working at home" (see A3)
B5. Getting paid to go to school (see A5)

You and your third dimension

2007-02-01T00:01:00.000-05:00

Wow.
Just...
Wow.

Read this.

We are Mooninites from the inner core of the moon.
Our race is hundreds of years beyond yours.
Some would say that the Earth is our moon.
But that would belittle the name of our moon, which is: The Moon.
Point is: we're at the center, not you.

Et tu, Brute?

2007-01-30T08:17:00.001-05:00

This is straight out of my kinetic theory text book...

A man is known to breathe out about 400 cubic centimeters of air at each breath, so that a single breath of air must contain about 10^22 molecules. The whole atmosphere of the earth consists of about 10^44 molecules. Thus one molecule bears the same relation to a breath of air as a breath of air does to the whole atmosphere of the earth. If we assume that the last breath of, say Julius Caesar has by now become thoroughly scattered through the atmosphere, then the chances are that each of us inhales one molecule of it with every breath we take. A man's lungs hold about 2000 cubic centimeters of air, so that the chances are that in the lungs of each of us there are about five molecules from the last breath of Julius Caesar.

Gas dynamics can be trippy huh?

The Arch

2007-01-28T18:59:00.000-05:00

Over the New Years weekend when TinRoof came to StL to meet the parents we visited, among other places, the Arch. I hadn't been up in it since I first visited St. Louis in the third grade or so. It ended up being a lot of fun. It was a beautiful day and we had fantastic views of the city. Most noteably... the new Busch...

As an "engineer" it was pretty amazing to hear about the Arch's construction. Did you know their margin or error for merging the two legs at the top was 1/64th of an inch?

The other great thing about the Arch is the Lewis & Clark museum at its base. I find history more interesting when ginormous, life sized pictures are involved. Oh, and stuffed buffaloes... even if Tin Roof snuck up behind me and scared the bejesus out of me. Also, as UVA students, we couldn't pass up a chance to get our picture taken with TJ.

Addendum: These pictures were taken by mi hermana, whose nickname shall now be Hermana (unless she would prefer Arbusto). She is awesome.

Are you not entertained?

2007-01-26T10:15:00.000-05:00

First off, I'd like to say I'm disappointed at the lack of audience participation this week. I was really excited to hear what some of you would say if you were the first person on Mars (cough cough Dubs cough Sandals). But I guess ya'll weren't interested. Well perhaps you'd rather I blog about politics....

Uh... the state of the union happened this week. It .. uh... was boring and I left after the first half and went to South Street for a beer instead.

Or maybe I could blog about the news...

A U.N. panel on climate change is set to give its strongest warning yet that human use of fossil fuels is stoking global warming. Of course this is nothing new to me, but I know I'll probably get posts from a relative or two telling me that the consensus of the 2,500 scientists who drafted this report is grossly exaggerated by the liberal media and that no credible link has yet been made between human actions and global climate change. Then if I really wanted to make them mad at me, I'd drop links like these on them: One Two (three?)

Or I could blog about sports...

...that is... once spring training begins. God how I miss baseball.

Maybe I'll just stick to what I'm best at - blogging about nonsense...

I hate umbrellas and here are some reasons why:

It's another thing you have to carry around with you... just in case.
They don't even do that great of a job usually. Your upper third perhaps stays a little drier but the rest of you still gets wet. The only way to get proper coverage is with an enormous umbrella which leads to...
They are unwieldy in windy situations. You have to hang on so tight it's not even worth the struggle. I let go of an umbrella in a storm a few years ago and haven't used one since. I just gave up on them.
It's just freaking water! We bathe in the stuff. We drink it. We're 80% made up of it. Why are we suddenly so scared of it?
Wear a freaking rain coat. Most people already are wearing one in a rainy situation - so what's the purpose of an umbrella? Oh right, you forgot how to use the HOOD.

I have spoken.

That's one Martian step for man

2007-01-22T11:04:00.000-05:00

... one giant le.. Oh my God! What are those creatures!?!? Ahhhhh!

Once upon a time, I dreamt of growing up to be an astronaut. That dream has pretty much faded for me for a variety of reasons (primarily that I am physically unqualified on account of my poor vision...and no... laser surgery would disqualify me). Back in the day I aspired to be the first human to walk on Mars. At the time, I had done the rough math and figured I might just be the right age if things went well for the next few decades. Clearly there have been some setbacks in recent times which has slowed the progress of space travel. And while I do expect we will see a man on Mars in our lifetime, I imagine we'll be past our prime by then. However, I'd like to get some audience participation in relation to the most important responsibility of whichever lucky American is the first to set foot on Mars. And that is:

What would be the perfect exclamation by the first human to step on Mars?

Think about it! This is the real challenge of walking on Mars. Consider the competition. "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." I mean, my God. Talk about poetry! If you're about to be the first human on Mars, you damn well better have a quote prepared to beat that. Your voice is likely to echo through time and you don't want to say something stupid like, "Boy is it dusty here" or "Meh, I see no signs of water."

So readers, what do you think? What would you say?

We have a winner

2007-01-19T16:04:00.000-05:00

My new favorite Google search which has led someone to stumble upon my blog....

"I hate grad school"

Google really gets me, ya know?

In other news - I'm helping organize an enormous party tonight for all grad students here at UVA. It is likely to be insane as we've already had over 200 RSVPs. Hopefully food, drinks, and transportations issues will all resolve themselves. And hopefully people will like the music I've prepared for the event (if not, my feelings will be hurt). Ok I gotta go.

Some Questions

2007-01-18T14:20:00.000-05:00

I've got some questions I need answered. And maybe you people can help me.

Question the first: What is the point of building a bathroom with a window? At what point will this window's shade be opened? Never! Unless the house belongs to an exhibitionist. It just seems like a waste of a window to me.

Sub-question: Why is it that in the Chicago area many of these bathroom windows are in the shower? Seriously! Talk about impractical. The worst part about this is that the window frame (usually made of wood) tends to get gross and warped and... gross. If I ever get to move back to Chi-town, I refuse to live in an apartment where the shower has a window (though I've already lived in an apartment where the shower was in a closet).

Pregunta dos: Why do people not make full use of their scarves? All too often I see someone wearing a scarf which practically touches the ground and yet they don't even have it wrapped once around their neck. If you're inside, that's one thing - this can look cool and trendy. But if you're outside and it is cold, don't be an idiot! I suppose it could just be Virginians who, as I've previously discussed, have difficulty dressing themselves.

Sub-pregunta: People do this with hoods on sweaters and coats too. I like hoodies, but I feel too many people never make use of the hood itself. Why is this?

Three: What on earth is the deal with all the interest in Judy Winslow? (or rather, Jaimee Foxworth) Of all the google searches leading people to my blog, the vast majority of them have to do with people wondering what happened to the forgotten Winslow child. (If you missed it, I've tackled this subject previously.) I'm starting to consider whether or not I should re-title my blog "The Judy Winslow Fan Club". Anyway, since this post will undoubtedly draw more curious googlers, here's a picture we can all smile and shake our heads at as we silently contemplate Judy's fate.

3b: Why did a google search for "licking feet videos" lead someone to my site? Ok well admitedly it was cause of my second Randy Beaman post, but still! I suppose the real question is - what on earth was this pervert hoping to find with such a search?

Maybe there are some things we're just not supposed to know the answers to.

Video Bonanza (episode 1)

2007-01-15T18:16:00.000-05:00

I promised it, and here it is... My first ever YouTube Video Bonanza!

I'd like to begin with a presentation of Casablanca as performed by the 30-Second Bunnies Theatre. For those of you who have not heard of this troupe, well, it's pretty self explanatory really. Movies performed in 30 seconds... by bunnies.

Now I'd like to move on to a beautiful cover of Hey Ya as performed by a big folk singer who has a beard of which I am envious. It's amazing how his interpretation gives new meaning and depth to the lyrics. Anyway, I still think the phrase "Shake it like a Polaroid picture" is sheer genius.

Mixing it up a little, here is a video from the days of yore. Well, my days of yore anyway. This is a clip of Boomshaka playing basketball at a playground in Florida over Spring break 2004. Also, yours truly is the cameraman and narrator.

Finally, most of you know of my love for barbershop music. If you've known me long enough, I've likely forced you to listen to mp3s of quartets I once sang with. So here now is a performance by my favorite quartet and arguably one of the greatest quartets ever: The Gas House Gang. I promise you won't be disappointed.