Click Click....Nothing

So... I'm in Charlottesville. And my car won't start. Fun times.

The wife had a conference at Wintergreen so she went to that while I bummed around in CVille. Had lunch with some friends, stopped by a few offices, etc. Always nice to see people. Around 2:30 I get the call that the conference is over and I should head to pick up my old lady. I hop in Tracy (that's my car). Put the key in and turn it. Click! Nothing.

Goody gum drops. I probably have a bad starter. Not surprising on a 14 year old car with 172K miles, but still inconvenient. The battery seems to be fine as the lights and stereo still work. But no starting. Sooo I'm hanging out in the old grad school building until the wife arrives and we can pop the clutch. In the meantime, I figured I'd spend the time much as I did during grad school - music - blogging - talking to officemates - and avoiding work.

In other news, my interview yesterday went down pretty well. The word on the street (via my inside source of Columns O'Numbers) is that they're going to make me an offer. Now I have the tough decision to make of whether or not to accept! So many factors. The wife and I have a bit to discuss. OK. Time to go tackle item number one and make my car go!

The Summer of Dr. Church continues

Attention Readers! As you yourself may presently be aware of, my grammar sucks. But that will not hinder my return to the blog'o'dome - or, for my Spanish speaking readers, the casa del blogging. What a summer this has been. Allow me to give you a quick, month-by-month run down.

May: Completed work on dissertation and printed that sucka. Trip to Chicago. Saw Boomshaka's spring show. Paid some kid to go buy me White Castle at 2 in the AM (actually, the Expert paid him, but I helped devour the Crave Case). Gradumamated. Enjoyed libations and went streaking on the lawn at UVA with Fuoco's roommate and my former officemate, JN. Packed up my apartment and moved most of my belongings to my future residence - TinRoof's apartment. Drove Tracy home to BVille for the summer.

June: With my newly minted Ph.D., I took a part time position at a vocational services place. I spent the following 6 weeks attaching company logo faceplates to plastic mounting bezels. The company typically employs physically and mentally disabled people for such jobs but, due to increased demand, took on a few regularly abled part timers for the summer. It was the sweetest irony for someone who just completed a Ph.D. in uselessness. Enjoyed the summer at home. Welcomed a new member into the family as my brother Nodnarb and his wife (mostly his wife) gave birth to baby Kaya Grace (real name). She's basically the greatest thing ever and I miss getting to see her. Hopefully someone will start posting pictures for Uncle Church to see! Hinty hint hint hint.

July: Wedding planning continues. I continue to stress out about it all. Cousin Halbert takes me to a Cubs-Cards game on the 4th of July. On the 5th of July, we enjoy some grand family time and the traditional holiday exhibit of patriotic exothermic reactions accompanied by the emission of photons of varying wavelengths - I mean, fireworks. Finally, the wedding week arrives... arrived.... arrove? So much good times that I will leave it for another post. Post-wedding, the new wife and I head to Jamaica.

August: 10 days at Couples Negril in Negril, Jamaica. Glorious. It was the most relaxed I've been in years. With the dissertation and the wedding planning behind me, I was able to breathe easy for once. That is until we returned home and I remembered that I remain unemployed. A minor detail. And yet August was terribly exciting. TinRoof and I greatly enjoyed settling into our apartment. I have especially enjoyed making use of the kick ass knives we got as wedding gifts. We are enjoying every second of newleywedness. And to cap the month off, we took a trip to that good ol Chi-town to catch Be The Groove's first full length professional production, Embrace The Fire. We spent much good time with the Expert and his wife, visited Millennium Park, caught Aimee Mann at Ravinia, enjoyed some tasty smoked meats, oh, and I was sick the whole weekend. Good times indeed.

Which brings us to...

September: Having slowly recovered from illness, I hold high hopes that this month, I will receive a response regarding at least one of the more than 40 job applications I submitted in August. If not, I shall continue my current plan of attack: Attempt to wake at 6:30 with my wife so I can make her breakfast, job hunt the morning away, shower around 1pm, eat lunch, job hunt some more (maybe a little blogging), cook dinner for beautiful and hard working wife, relax and enjoy evening with said wife.

Ah, real life... sorta.

Just Call Me Dr. Church

I did it!!

I am no longer blogging as Doctor Church. Now I shall blog as Dr. Doctor Church! (Or perhaps Dr. Church Ph.D.) The committee put up a good fight yesterday, but I could not be denied. The papers have been signed and my Ph.D. is finally complete.

The presentation went for about 45-50 minutes with minimal interruptions (certainly less than my proposal presentation). Afterwards, a freakin third of my audience (of 15) asked questions. I was a little surprised at so many questions from the public - but I handled them well I believe. Next, the committee chair kicked the public out and the sparring session began. I immediately reminded myself that in order to be granted a Ph.D. I had to exhibit true American academic elitism. In other words, in response to each question from my committee, I endeavored to make the person feel foolish for asking such a meaningless question regarding my impeccable, indisputable, irrevocable work. (I'm sure Dubs will be great at this part when his time comes.) Finally, after about an hour of questions I was dismissed as the committee deliberated. Ten minutes later I was congratulated and asked to sign the final forms...oh yeah, and forced to undergo some Ph.D. hazing at the hands of my committee. I can't say much as I've been sworn to secrecy, but I will say it involved a paddle, several laboratory mice, a CO2 laser, and several shots of s'more flavored schnapps. It was kind of like this.

The hard part being over, the rest of the day was beautiful. I went to lunch with TinRoof, my officemates Fuoco and Phlogiston, my advisor H-bomb, and my dad - who had driven in from StL the day before to surprise me. After lunch, my dad, TR, and I visited a few local wineries as it was a b-e-a-utiful day here in Virginny, had a delicious dinner at Downtown Thai, and dessert at the Melting Pot. The plan had been to hit up The Corner that night for some celebratory revelry but we were so exhausted and full that we called it a night. I suppose I'll have to wait for another night to streak the lawn.

I must say, it feels incredible to be done - especially given my distaste for research. And don't worry, I may not be bored in grad school anymore, but I'll still be blogging - maybe more - as I currently have no job. Speaking of that....uh... can any of you spare some change?

Wait for me... while I tie my shoe.

While I'm waiting for my defense slides to compile (stupid LaTeX) I thought I'd work on a post.

It's 12 days till my defense. I can't help but feel I should be more nervous and much busier than I currently am. I turned in my dissertation to my advisor early last week. He's dodged me since then. I saw him this Tuesday and the conversation went something like this:

Advisor: Well, I finished that grant proposal I've been working on. I'm pretty happy with it. I guess now I need to read your dissertation. When's it due to the committee?
Me: Tomorrow.
Advisor: Hmmm. Well, let's see. You defend April 29th?
Me: April 30th.
Advisor: We can turn it in Monday. That will still give them plenty of time.
Me: If you say so.

So, yeah. I still haven't received his final edits. I am tempted to be worried about this as he could swoop in and propose tons of changes - but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the document is tight enough. In the meantime, as I've said, I'm working on the slides for my defense. It's actually frustratingly difficult trying to decide what to include. Describing 4 years and 135 pages in 45 minutes is not simple.

In other news - I went to a Graduate Engineering Keg Kill last night. It was essentially Mechanical and Aerospace Engineers versus Biomedical and Systems Engineers. I am ashamed to report - MAE lost. I admit though, I personally wasn't playing to win. (I needed more motivation than winning bragging rights.) Still, props to Rookie and Duda for hosting an enjoyable evening. After all, how could I graduate from an institution such as UVA without having helped kill a keg of crappy, crappy beer?

Afterwards, I headed home and caught the new episodes of 30 Rock, The Office, and Scrubs. For those who care - I'm still freaking out about The Office episode. Soooo incredible. I have long been worried that the writers would try to force Pam and Jim into some sort of Ross & Rachel, overly dramatic, tumultuous relationship. After all, the tension between P & J essentially drove the series for the first several seasons. Creating more push-pull or negative drama between them would keep us all glued ever week. But honestly, I've never felt that's what we all wanted. For once we'd like to see the happy couple get together and stay together. It does happen in the real world you know. And the show will still be funny. I'm ecstatic that it appears the writers aren't afraid to walk down that road (though I admit I am still suspicious as it seems too good to be true.)

OK. The new slides are done. I'm going to mock-defend to see how much I've got so far.

Stuff White People Like

#81: Graduate School

(This site is hilarious by the way.)

The Dissertating Goeth On

For those of you keeping track I thought I'd offer a quick update on my progress (i.e. my prospects for departing graduate school). As you might have surmised from my post at the end of last month, things have been busy and tense. Just a few weeks ago my advisor suggested the possibility of pushing off my defense (thus preventing me from graduating in May). I attempted to make it clear that the suggestion did not thrill me. Well, either I got through or he had a change of heart. I am happy to report that things are finally on schedule. My defense is scheduled for April 30th - which means my dissertation is due 3 weeks from tomorrow. The dissertation itself is starting to take shape and my advisor has now made a first pass through editing the body chapters - without proposing major changes. (I have yet to decide whether this is because my work and writing are good - or simply because he realizes we don't have a lot of time for major revisions. I hope it's the former.) I've been working some fairly long hours and the weekends have begun to disappear but on the bright side, I can truly say I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I am finally letting myself get my hopes up that, yes, I will become Dr. Church Ph.D. in the near future. Then begins the next big challenge... becoming gainfully employed...

What He Said / What He Meant

It's becoming clear that my advisor is either a very keen and sly man capable of manipulating graduate students in unthinkable ways, or he simply has a poor memory which allows him to continually contradict himself. Therefore, hoping he isn't reading this (even though he has a good enough sense of humor to know when I'm just blowing off steam), I offer a look back at some key moments in graduate school.

What He Said: Don't waste time getting your masters, you can skip it and work directly on your PhD.
What He Meant: If you get a masters, you'll most likely be content to leave it at that and get a job - meaning I won't get any publications out of you.

What He Said: You should be able to finish your PhD with only an extra year and a half or so.
What He Meant: I run out of funding for you after three and a half years, so you had better finish in four or be prepared to work for free.

What He Said: As soon as I'm finished with this other paper/research proposal/lecture preparation/meeting slides, you will be my first priority.
What He Meant: As soon as I'm finished with this other paper/research proposal/lecture preparation/meeting slides, I will have another paper/research proposal/lecture preparation/meeting slides to work on which will take precedence over your trivial work in which I am no longer interested.

What He Said: This is fantastic! You're going to be famous! (He actually said that...about a plot I showed him once.)
What He Meant: No one is famous for this type of work; and by the way, I'll find minor problems with the work 2 years from now right before you attempt to graduate.

What He Said: It's no problem if we have to push your graduation off until August.
What He Meant: You may not want to drag this out and work for free this summer, but it's no sweat off my back.

Happy New Year

On the Being of a Grad Student (Part 2)

A moment in the life and times of a graduate student:

It's the week before Labor Day weekend. You have an abstract submission for a conference due on Friday evening. On your own, you might never submit to this conference, or care to attend it; however your advisor is determined to keep up his appearance in the academic community and thus must show you off. You oblige and finish the abstract by Thursday at mid day - sending it to your advisor for one last (well... first) perusal and approval. And while you know the submission deadline will be extended (they always are), your girlfriend will be in town this weekend and you hope to get the abstract out of the way before she arrives. What's more, she has a real job and thus has Monday off from work (legitimately) and you wish to spend time with her. Grad students don't ever really get days off. Even on holidays or approved vacation days your advisor has somehow managed to instill in you a moderate amount of guilt. What kind of slacker grad student takes off for a minor holiday such as Thanksgiving!? So you make plans with your girlfriend to do something fun - perhaps a picnic and then an afternoon matinée. But he knows. Somehow your advisor has caught wind of the fact that you intend to stray from his bidding. So he plots his revenge. Rather than meeting with you on Friday to discuss your abstract (as you requested), he waits until Sunday night to contact you. And "coincidentally" requests a meeting smack in the middle of your Labor Day plans. You can try to change the meeting time, but it will be of no avail. Your advisor knows that you must answer his every beck and call. After all, you hope to graduate one day and emerge from this pitiful graduate existence.

Don't you?

When I grow up

You know what's worse than having to prepare for your dissertation proposal? ... Preparing a dissertation proposal which bores the crap out of the person doing all the research! (That would be me.) It is kind of tragic that I've spent 3 years of my life researching a topic which I care so little about. Never mind the fact that I'm committed to one more year of this boredom before graduation will save me from the clutches of grad school. I can't help but wonder how I got here. There seems to be a fine line between perseverance and being stubborn. I'm not sure on which side of the line I currently reside. Some people are surprised to hear that if money was no issue, I would walk away from this field in a heartbeat. Of course this logic reminds me of Office Space...

Peter Gibbons: Our high school guidance counselor used to ask us what you'd do if you had a million dollars and you didn't have to work. And invariably what you'd say was supposed to be your career. So, if you wanted to fix old cars then you're supposed to be an auto mechanic.

Samir: So what did you say?

Peter Gibbons: I never had an answer. I guess that's why I'm working at Initech.

Michael Bolton: No, you're working at Initech because that question is bullshit to begin with. If everyone listened to her, there'd be no janitors, because no one would clean shit up if they had a million dollars.

Ah well. Thankfully I have enough acting training that I should be able to deliver my proposal presentation in such a way that my committee has no idea how bored I am by my own presentation.

Final Final

Over the next two days I will take the final finals of my academic career (not counting my dissertation defense as a final as it is surely much much worse). I am not sure how I should view these occasions. Perhaps I should be working extra hard. Did I come all this way to give up on the final finals? Shouldn't I go out with a bang and smoke my last two academic exams? Then again, I've also been at this game so long that I don't care much for "grades" any more. To be honest I don't care much about the two classes I took this semester either. They were moderately interesting and I like both of the professors; but I am quite indifferent on the subject matter and particularly on the prospect of my attempting to master any of said matter. I've learned enough to know that most things I learn will be forgotten within a fortnight. Thus, here am I blogging with my Chemical Reaction Engineering notes as a prop under my right forearm and my Nonequilibrium Gas Dynamics text book under the left. Isn't it ironic? A little too ironic? You tell me Alanis, you seem to be the expert.

In my day

...we had to walk to school barefoot in the snow. Uphill. Both ways.

We got a couple inches last night. I love it. Of course, I would also love to stay at home and watch a movie or read under a blanket. But no can do - I'm a grad student...

Happy Groundhog Day

The little bugger didn't see his shadow. Can I get an amen? Short winter this year. Don't worry though, I'm sure it's totally unrelated to global warming. (By the by, did anyone else notice that Al Gore was recently nominated for a Nobel Prize?) In honor of my fellow shut-in, Punxsutawney Phil (he lives in a stump, I a windowless office), here are some lists about grad school...

Things I Don't Like About Grad School

A1. Office hours (see B5)
A2. An office with no windows (see B4)
A3. Research (see B1)
A4. Classes (see B2)
A5. Being underpaid (see B3)

Things I Do Like About Grad School

B1. Professors with Scottish accents (see A4)
B2. Irrational disdain for undergraduates (see A1)
B3. Coming in to work at 11 (see A2)
B4. "Working at home" (see A3)
B5. Getting paid to go to school (see A5)

We have a winner

My new favorite Google search which has led someone to stumble upon my blog....

"I hate grad school"

Google really gets me, ya know?

In other news - I'm helping organize an enormous party tonight for all grad students here at UVA. It is likely to be insane as we've already had over 200 RSVPs. Hopefully food, drinks, and transportations issues will all resolve themselves. And hopefully people will like the music I've prepared for the event (if not, my feelings will be hurt). Ok I gotta go.

I think I can, I think I can

Why is it that some days (like today) are days in which I have no motivation and can't figure out what to do with myself while other days (yesterday) are so full of big decisions that I verge on a breakdown? Yesterday was very stressful - though I suppose in a good way. I've had several different performance opportunities fall into my lap at the same moment and it's been a bit overwhelming. First I should set the context in that this semester I will likely be taking two classes and TA-ing in addition to my normal research load. On top of this, I usually am involved with a choral group and jazz ensemble on campus. Meanwhile I have bible study, worship team practice, GCF, and Awanas which take up time each week. Oh...and a girlfriend. Hopefully you can see why any decisions regarding my schedule are complicated.

Sunday afternoon a friend convinced me to audition for Company up at the Four County Players. It's a show I've liked ever since seeing a David Schwimmer look-alike play the role of Robert at NU my freshman year. I've been offered the role of Larry. The major drawback to involvement is the playhouse is a 25 minute drive which means lots of commute time (and gas money). So I have yet to accept the role (though who am I kidding, I probably will).

Meanwhile, I've been trying harder to work out a scenario in which I could spend a few weeks in Chicago helping out with Be The Groove. They have some performances in March/April that I'd like to be a part of. After a long discussion with some of those folks, it's unfortunately looking less possible to make happen, primarily because of my TA responsibilities. Have I mentioned lately that I hate grad school?

Finally, I received a call yesterday about an audition for some sort of radio-style play which is to be broadcast via cell phones. I didn't really understand, but what I did understand is that it's a paying gig! So...looks like I'll be auditioning for that as well.

Life is funny like that I guess. When it rains, it often indeed pours. I just wish I had longer to make some of the decisions. I'm not great at snap decisions especially when they're all interrelated... unless the questions are "Would you like to watch a movie?" and "Would you like to eat cinnamon rolls?" I will always answer yes and can do them simultaneously.

Baby it's cold outside

I hope everybody's Christmas was as fun and family-filled as mine. I have been enjoying the time at home to relax these past few days. I had even nearly forgotten what it is I research. But then last night after a few beers with my friend Voce99, I started to remember how much I actually hate grad school. I've been meaning to talk to the parents about this past semester's school-related unhappiness but haven't gotten around to it yet. For those of you who don't know what I'm referring to, I'll likely post more details soon. But for now, let's just say I've been going through a quarter-life crisis in which I've decided I have talents and passions (namely music and theatre) that I am not using to their potential. Meanwhile, I find myself caring less and less about the field I am in. Anyhow - enough of that.

In other news, my brother and his wife are taking the family out to The Melting Pot in St. Louis as their present to us all. I'm quite excited as I've been dying to try the place. The word on the street is "over-priced" but I have a feeling it's still going to be delicious and fun. And besides...I'm not paying.

Finally, I've discovered another obnoxious thing about being home... the phrase "Don't you think you should wear a coat?" and all variants thereof. For some reason, my parents trust me to do many things - but not dress myself. I can't leave the house without hearing "It's a bit chilly out, better take your coat." For crying out loud! If I'd wanted it, I'd have it in my hands already!

TinRoof arrives tomorrow to meet the parents. I'm excited.

On the Being of a Grad Student (Part 1)

Being a grad student is weird. Really, ones experience as a grad student is primarily affected by his or her perspective. That...and whether or not their advisor sucks. I'll elaborate.

Today I was remarking to a colleague that I quite enjoy the outlook most grad students have. Many of us come and go as we please. For example, I usually don't get in to work until 10 or 11 most days (though I try to balance it by staying until 6 or 7). On days (like today for me) that we are feeling sick...we go home and take a three hour nap. On days when work is actually needing to be done, we may suck it up and pull a 10 or 12 hour day. But we rarely - if ever - pull all-nighters any more. We leave that nonsense to undergrads who still think grades matter. Speaking of undergrads - we tend to loathe them, or at least disregard them. This cracks me up considering most of us were at one time undergraduates. How quickly we forget.

Really, the primary challenge as a grad student is embracing this truth: this one problem I'm researching will take me 4 years to finish. That's as long as I spent as an undergrad doing hundreds and thousands of problems which I have already forgotten! With this in mind, it's easier to not feel guilty for slacking now and again. After all, if it's going to take 4 years anyway, what difference will it make if you take an afternoon off to have coffee and go to the gym.

Anyway, you can see that with the right perspective, grad school can be a sweet gig. I mean...I get paid to take one class and do "research". There's plenty of crap that we have to deal with (about which I'll be sure to complain more in the future) but we also have a more flexible life than those suckers with "jobs". One last thing I feel I should point out though was a point made to me by Tin Roof. When you consider both our stipend and tuition, we're actually being paid quite a lot. So hopefully in all our slacking, we'll still remember how blessed we are and be motivated to perform our responsibilities to the fullest of our potential.

I should get to bed. Somehow I agreed to ride with my advisor to Virginia Tech tomorrow for a conference. He's picking me up at 5:30 in the am. (Who knew 5:30 came twice a day?!)