Definition Fail

I have to give props to my man Meadows for turning me onto FAIL Blog. And it in turn introduced me to this doosey...

Seriously! What is rocket science? Maybe if I could answer that I could get a job.

The thing I'm never going to get is a job

I can't imagine I have any readers left. As many of you probably know, I have spent the last 8 months in unemployment. It's boring, I'm not going to lie. Hence, I have very little to blog about. However, yesterday afternoon I got inspired to create a tribute to all the companies who have turned me down so far. If only they could see what they were missing out on...

hmmm - video isn't working at present.
check it out on Facebook.

Stupid People

I am only posting this for the hilarious shout out to Cubs fans which comes about halfway through the video.

Click Click....Nothing

So... I'm in Charlottesville. And my car won't start. Fun times.

The wife had a conference at Wintergreen so she went to that while I bummed around in CVille. Had lunch with some friends, stopped by a few offices, etc. Always nice to see people. Around 2:30 I get the call that the conference is over and I should head to pick up my old lady. I hop in Tracy (that's my car). Put the key in and turn it. Click! Nothing.

Goody gum drops. I probably have a bad starter. Not surprising on a 14 year old car with 172K miles, but still inconvenient. The battery seems to be fine as the lights and stereo still work. But no starting. Sooo I'm hanging out in the old grad school building until the wife arrives and we can pop the clutch. In the meantime, I figured I'd spend the time much as I did during grad school - music - blogging - talking to officemates - and avoiding work.

In other news, my interview yesterday went down pretty well. The word on the street (via my inside source of Columns O'Numbers) is that they're going to make me an offer. Now I have the tough decision to make of whether or not to accept! So many factors. The wife and I have a bit to discuss. OK. Time to go tackle item number one and make my car go!

Prescott Oil Loves the Earth

For the last few years, my distaste for car commercials has grown. There's much to complain about, but the thing that bugs me the most is when a company tries so hard to sell itself as environmentally friendly and fuel efficient when in fact it is far from it.

The new Hummer - with the highest EPA fuel rating in it's class.

And we're supposed to buy this. Never mind that it's probably the only friggin vehicle in its class! I mean, how is it that every car ever made has won a JD Power & Associates award for being the best whatever of its class?

Anyway - my point is: As gas prices have gone up, buying more efficient cars has begun to make more sense to the average American (as well as the median and mode American). And it's natural to expect car companies to try to convince us that their cars are fuel efficient and that their company cares about the environment. It just can be annoying when it is flatly untrue (as is often the case). Still, I've started to get used to seeing these kinds of ads (in fast motion as my DVR skips past them).

But lately, a new wave of ads has hit the tube. Energy and oil companies trying to promote the same green-friendly image. Again, this is understandable in the wake of the public outcry at record oil company profits. I just hope most of you catch the severe irony of these ads. And if you don't, our man Stephen Colbert will try to drive it home for you... (in a hybrid of course)...

Strike Breakers or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Tie an Onion on my Belt

So I've noticed a trend with the Google searches that lead folks to stumble onto my blog. 80% of them have searched for "onion belt" or some variation of Grandpa Simpson's classic strike breaking story that goes nowhere from episode 417 of The Simpsons - Last Exit to Springfield. This invariably leads them here. But I want more...more...more internet traffic! So here's my devious plan: provide those passers by with the actual clip of this great orator in action. After watching this - they'll have to like my blog. Right?

...right?

'Maybe' pretty much always means 'No'

I can't remember if I've mentioned that I'm currently job hunting. :-)

I'm sad to say the status of the search is pretty much the same as it was several weeks ago. My application total is now around 60 or so (positions not companies) - of which, less than 10 have responded in any way, shape, or form (all rejections obviously). Still, last week I took to be an encouraging one. The wife had some recruiting to do on behalf of her company at UVA - our old stomping ground. It was a nice midweek break for the two of us. We got free gas, lodging, and 1/2 of our meals (her half) paid for and got to enjoy some pleasant grad-school reunions. Plus, while she was recruiting, I was attempting to do a little ass-kissing of my own at the career fair. Unfortunately there were only a few companies I had any interest in. And yet, conversations with representatives went quite well. I'm actually quite likeable when I want to be. Especially when I'm trying to trick you into giving me money. But like so many other instances, these leads turned out to be mere smoke and mirrors. Despite my follow up emails the next day, I have not heard from any of the recruiters since the career fair. Ah well. Who wants to work for GE Energy anyway? (Recruiter: Should you have stumbled onto my blog - be assured - I want to work for GE Energy!) Anyway, I do have my first official job interview next week with a company in DC (which I only got because I knew someone on the inside - Columns O'Numbers). I'm excited but also a bit unsure that the position is really what I'm looking for. Decisions decisions. So glad I've got the wife by my side during all this.

In other news, the wife and I are actually presently on yet another mini-vacation sponsored by her generous employer. She is attending a training session in Hampton on roundabouts. She's been enjoying it. And I recommend you all read up - because my wife is going to be a part of the roundabout revolution here in the United States. Look for one in an intersection near you coming soon! As for me, I've been killing my time in a local St. Louis Bread Company (that's Panera to the rest of you). Last night we went and hung out at the "beach" for a while. (I use "s because it was high tide and there was very little beach to speak of. The trail leading to the beach dead ended into the waves.)

I guess that's about it for now. Does anyone else think my blog posts aren't that funny anymore? Wait. Don't answer that.

PS. Yes. My post title is from a Jack Johnson song. I'm sorry. It was on the iPod when I was posting and seemed to fit. Friggin sue me.

Saturday Morning Credit Fraud

A funny thing happened on my way to an otherwise perfect weekend. Saturday morning I wake up to my cell phone ringing. The call is from some Delaware number I don't recognize, so I don't answer. Ever since I first got my cell phone I've been a screener. Basically, I figure that unless I recognize the number, the person can either call back enough times that I finally answer, or leave a message so I know who they are. This time, no message. I think nothing of it and set about cooking breakfast with the wife. We make some very delicious turkey breakfast stacks (recipe below) and our usual yogurt parfait of vanilla Light'n'Fit, blueberries, and granolla. As we finish the meal, Delaware calls again. I decide to screen a second time. No message.

I finally get to checking my email for the first time that morning and discover who has been calling: Bank of America's Fraud Protection service. Apparently there is some irregular credit card activity with my account. Thirteen separate transactions by PayPal - none of which I conducted. I go through a series of verifications online with BofA and soon my troubles are over. The account has been closed, new cards have been issued, and an afidavit is on its way to me for my signature. Although the charges have not even posted yet, BofA assures me that once they do, I will immediately be reimbursed. Unfortunately they offer no hints as to how it is my credit card information has been stolen or who might have done so. They recommend I call Pay Pay (which I plan to do this afternoon).

All in all, the thing I was most surprised by was how calm the wife and I remained during the process. You would think that such a credit scare would be cause for great concern and worry. But honestly, with BofA catching things so quickly and rectifying the situation, things were fixed before we ever knew there was a problem! Kudos to Bank of America for protecting our monies. Or rather... our ability to buy things using digital monies instead of real ones. Also, congrats on the whole Merrill Lynch thing.

And now, a delicious recipe:

Breakfast Turkey Stack
1 pound ground turkey breast
4 teaspoons sugar-free pancake syrup
1/2 teaspoon dried sage
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1/8 teaspoon ground ginger
1 teaspoon extra-virgin olive oil
1 large beefsteak tomato, cut into 4 thick slices
4 (1-ounce) slices reduced-fat cheddar cheese

Combine turkey, syrup, sage, cayenne, salt, pepper, and ginger in a mixing bowl and mix well. Divide into 4 (1/2-inch-thick) patties. Heat oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat; cook patties until well browned and cooked through, about 4 minutes per side. Remove from heat. Lay tomato slices in a single layer in a baking dish; season with salt and pepper. Top each slice with 1 turkey patty and 1 cheese slice; broil in the oven until cheese is melted, about 2 minutes. Serve hot. (Note: Patties can be individually wrapped and frozer for up to 1 month; just defrost and simply reheat in the oven or microwave!)

To answer your question: No, I don't have a job yet. And yes, I am spending lots of time cooking.